STOCK-DEALING TRANSACTIONS.—­“Will you advise me under the following circumstances?” asks “CHEERFUL SOUL,” on a post-card.  “I placed L50 with an Outside Broker as a speculation for the rise in Cashville and Toothpeka First Preference.  Yesterday I received a note to say I had lost my money, as ‘cover had run off.’  On repairing to the Broker’s Office, I was surprised to find it apparently deserted.  What is my remedy?”—­We should imagine that the Broker had “run off” too.  Your remedy is—­not to speculate again.  “Flutters” lead to the Gutters.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE.

Married Vicar, “WELL, MY BISHOP WAS VERY PARTICULAR WITH ME.  AMONG OTHER THINGS, HE ASKED ME, BEFORE PRESENTING ME, WHETHER MY WIFE WAS A LADY!”

His Curate (reflectively).  “I CAN QUITE UNDERSTAND THAT!”]

* * * * *

THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE ARMY.

(A CONVERSATION—­PURELY IMAGINARY.)

    SCENE—­Pall Mall.  Present, SECRETARY OF STATE and Military
    Adviser.

Mil.  A. I want to know your ideas about the Autumn Manoeuvres.  Are we to have any this year?

Sec. of S. (with a melancholy smile).  That depends upon circumstances not entirely under my control.

Mil.  A. Oh, yes; I know.  But Governments may come and Governments may go, but the State flows on for ever.  Whatever you commence they will have to carry out.

Sec. of S. Can we have these Manoeuvres without expense?

Mil.  A. Well, scarcely.  For instance, there is the ammunition.

Sec. of S. Oh, we can get over that!  Every soldier, when he is supposed to fire, can say, “Bang!” or words to that effect.  We might add the direction to the new Provisional Drill-Book.

Mil.  A. (drily).  Yes, you might; and it would prove about as useful as the other regulations in that remarkable volume!  Well, suppose the difficulty of ammunition surmounted, what next?

Sec. of S. Well, I suppose we shall have to spend some money on the farmers for rights of way and the rest of it?

Mil.  A. I suppose so, if you want the troops to move over an unfamiliar country.

Sec. of S. But I am not sure I do.  Why shouldn’t they learn how to defend Aldershot?  Then it would cost nothing.  What next?

Mil.  A. Well, there will be the Commissariat expenses.

Sec. of S. Suppose food costs the same in most places.  Besides, isn’t TOMMY ATKINS supposed to purchase his own victuals?

Mil.  A. Yes, theoretically I suppose he is; but practically he—­

Sec. of S. Oh, bother practice!  Of course he must, somehow; he must pay for the Commissariat out of his own pocket.