“This made th’ way clear f’r th’ discussion iv th’ larger question iv how future wars shud be conducted in th’ best inthrests iv peace.  Th’ conference considhered th’ possibility iv abolishin’ th’ mushroom bullet which, entherin’ th’ inteeryor iv th’ inimy not much larger thin a marble, soon opens its dainty petals an’ goes whirlin’ through th’ allyminthry canal like a pin-wheel.  Th’ Chinese dillygate said that he regarded this here insthrumint iv peace as highly painful.  He had an aunt in Pekin, an estimable lady, unmarried, two hundhred an’ fifty years iv age, who received wan without warnin’ durin’ th’ gallant riscue iv Pekin fr’m th’ foreign legations a few years ago.  He cud speak with feelin’ on th’ subjick as th’ Chinese army did not use these pro-jictyles but were armed with bean-shooters.

“Th’ English dillygate opposed th’ resolution.  ‘It is,’ says he, ’quite thrue that these here pellets are in many cases harmful to th’ digestion, but I think it wud be goin’ too far to suggest that they be abolished ontil their mannyfacther is betther undherstud be th’ subjick races,’ he says.  ’I suppose wan iv these bullets might throw a white man off his feed, but we have abundant proof that whin injicted into a black man they gr-reatly improve his moral tone.  An’ afther all, th’ improvemint iv th’ moral tone is, gintlemen, a far graver matther thin anny mere physical question.  We know fr’m expeeryence in South Africa that th’ charmin’ bullet now undher discussion did much to change conditions in that enlightened an’ juicy part iv his Majesty’s domains.  Th’ darky that happened to stop wan was all th’ betther f’r it.  He retired fr’m labor an’ give up his squalid an’ bigamious life,’ he says.  ‘I am in favor, howiver, iv restrictin’ their use to encounters with races that we properly considher infeeryor,’ he says.  Th’ dillygate fr’m Sinagambya rose to a question iv privilege.  ’State ye’er question iv privilege,’ says th’ chairman.  ‘I wud like to have th’ windows open,’ says th’ dillygate fr’m Sinagambya.  ‘I feel faint,’ he says.

“Th’ Honorable Joe Choate, dillygate fr’m th’ United States, moved that in future wars enlisted men shud not wear ear-rings.  Carried, on’y Italy votin’ no.

“Th’ conference thin discussed blowin’ up th’ inimy with dinnymite, poisinin’ him, shootin’ th’ wounded, settin’ fire to infants, bilin’ prisoners-iv-war in hot lard, an’ robbin’ graves.  Some excitemint was created durin’ th’ talk be th’ dillygate fr’m th’ cannybal islands who proposed that prisoners-iv-war be eaten.  Th’ German dillygate thought that this was carryin’ a specyal gift iv wan power too far.  It wud give th’ cannybal islands a distinct advantage in case iv war, as Europeen sojers were accustomed to horses.  Th’ English dillygate said that while much cud be said against a practice which personally seemed to him rather unsportsmanlike, still he felt he must reserve th’ right iv anny cannybal allies iv Brittanya to go as far as they liked.  Th’ Hon’orable Joe Choate moved that in future wars no military band shud be considered complete without a base-dhrum.  Carrid.