in front iv each iv these war-battered vethrans shtud a bottle, in some cases bar’ly half filled with a brownish-yellow flood with bubbles on top iv it.  What was it, says ye?  Hardened as I am to dhrink iv ivry kind, I hesitate to mention th’ wurrud.  But concealment is useless.  ‘Twas beer.  These brave men, employed be th’ taxpayer iv America to defind th’ hearths iv th’ tax-dodger iv America, supposed be all iv us to have consicrated their lives to upholdin’ th’ flag, were at heart votaries, as Hogan says, iv Aloes, gawd iv beer.

“F’r a moment th’ ladies shtud dumfounded.  But they did not remain long in this unladylike attichood.  Th’ Chairwoman iv th’ dillygation recovered her voice an’, advancin’ to’rd a Sergeant who was thryin’ to skin a pair iv fours down so that it wud look like a jack full to his ineebryated opponent, she said:  ’Me brave man, d’ye ralize that that bottle is full iv th’ Seed iv Desthruction?’ she says.  ’I think ye’er wrong, mum,’ says he.  ‘It’s Pilsener,’ he says.  ‘Soon or late,’ she says, ‘th’ Demon Rum will desthroy ye,’ she says.  ‘Not me,’ says th’ vethran iv a thousand enlistments.  ’I don’t care f’r rum.  A pleasant companyon, but a gossip.  It tells on ye.  Th’ Demon Rum with a little iv th’ Demon Hot Water an’ th’ Demon Sugar is very enticin’, but it has a perfume to it that is dangerous to a married man like mesilf.  Rum, madam, is an informer.  Don’t niver take it.  I agree with ye that it’s a demon,’ says he.  ‘Why,’ says she, ‘do ye drink this dhreadful poison?’ says she.  ‘Because,’ says th’ brave fellow, ’I can’t get annything sthronger without desertin,’ he says.

“An’ they wint down to Washington to see th’ Congressmen.  Ye know what a Congressman is.  I’ve made a few right here in this barroom.  Th’ on’y thing a Congressman isn’t afraid iv is th’ on’y thing I’d be afraid iv, an’ that is iv bein’ a Congressman.  An’ th’ thing he’s most afraid iv is th’ ladies.  A comity iv ladies wud make Congress repeal th’ ten commandments.  Not that they’d iver ask thim to, Hinnissy.  They’d make thim ten thousand if they had their way an’ mark thim:  ‘F’r men on’y.’  But, annyhow, th’ ladies comity wint down to Washin’ton.  They’d been there befure an’ dhriven th’ Demon Rum fr’m th’ resthrant into a lair in th’ comity room.  A Congressman came out, coughin’ behind his hand, an’ put his handkerchief into th’ northwest corner iv his coat.  ‘Ladies,’ says he, ‘what can I do f’r ye?’ he says.  ‘Ye must save th’ ar-rmy fr’m th’ malt that biteth like a wasp an’ stingeth like an adder,’ says they.  ‘Ye bet ye’er life I will, ladies,’ says th’ Congressman with a slight hiccup.  ’I will do as ye desire.  A sojer that will dhrink beer is a disgrace to th’ American jag,’ he says.  ’We abolished public dhrinkin’ in th’ capitol,’ he says.  ’We done it to make th’ Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth have ordhered ink wells made in th’ shape iv decanters.  But,’ he says, ‘th’ popylar branch iv th’ Naytional Ligislachure is not to be outdone.  Ye see these panels on th’ wall?  I touch a button an’ out pops a bottle iv Bourbon that wud make ye’er eyes dance.  Whoop-ee!’