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AUGUST 1.  I really cannot understand myself, so it isn’t a matter for much surprise if nobody else understands me.  In spite of what the strange doctor said yesterday I dressed up grandly to-day, not only in my tea-gown, but some beautiful old white Irish lace which nurse lent me to wrap about my throat.

I think the effect was rather good, and when I went downstairs leaning on nurse’s shoulder, there was Martin waiting for me, and though he did not speak (couldn’t perhaps), the look that came into his blue eyes was the same as on that last night at Castle Raa when he said something about a silvery fir-tree with its dark head against the sky.

Oh, my own darling, I could wish to live for you, such as I am, if I could be of any use, if I would not be a hindrance rather than a help, if our union were right, if, in short, God Himself had not already answered to all such questionings and beseechings, His great; unalterable, irrevocable No!

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AUGUST 2.  The Reverend Mother, who arrived in the island last night, has been with me all day.  I think she knows, for she has said nothing more about the convent—­only (with her eyes so soft and tender) that she intends to remain with me a little while, having need of rest herself.

To my surprise and joy, Martin and she have got on famously.  This evening she told me that, in spite of all (I know what she meant by that), she is willing to believe that he is a true man, and, notwithstanding his unhappy opinions about the Church, a Christian gentleman.

Such a touching thing happened to-day.  We were all sitting in the garden, (sun warm, light breeze off the sea, ripe corn chattering in the field opposite), when I felt a tugging at my skirts, and who should it be but Isabel, who had been crawling along the dry grass plucking daisies, and now, dragging herself up to my side, emptied them into my lap.

No, I will not give way to tears any more as long as I live, yet it rather “touches me up,” as Martin says, to see how one’s vainest dreams seem to come to pass.

I don’t know if Martin thought I was going to break down, but he rattled away about Girlie having two other mothers now—­Grandma, who would keep her while we were down South, and the Reverend Mother, who would take her to school when she was old enough.

So there’s nothing more to fear about baby.

But what about Martin himself?  Am I dealing fairly in allowing him to go on with his preparations? isn’t it a kind of cruelty not to tell him the truth?

This problem is preying on my mind.  If I could only get some real sleep perhaps I could solve it.

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AUGUST 3.  I am growing weaker every day.  No pain; no cough; nothing but exhaustion.  Father Dan told me this morning that I was growing more than ever like my mother—­that “sweet saint whom the Lord has made his own.”  I know what he means—­like her as she was at the last.