I never had much taste for feats requiring physical effort, except lifting—­lifting with my teeth.  The amount of beef, pork, mutton and vegetables that I have lifted in that way is immense.  After hearing Dr. WINSHIP lecture, I practiced lifting a flour barrel with a man inside of it, and finally succeeded in holding it out at arm’s length. [I may remark incidentally that the barrel had no heads in it.]

To return to the case in hand (and a case in hand is worth two in the bush):  I was deluded into purchasing a season ticket in the gymnasium, and one afternoon I sought the locality.  A number were exercising in various ways, and I laid off my coat preparatory to ‘going in.’  As I bent down to adjust a pair of slippers, I heard some rapid steps behind me, and the next instant a pair, of hands and a man’s head fell squarely on my back, a pair of heels smote together in the air, and with a somersault the gymnast regained the ground several feet in advance of me.  I assumed an indignant perpendicular, when the fellow turned with well-feigned amazement and stammered forth an apology.  Bent over as I was, he had mistaken me for a heavily padded ‘wooden horse,’ which formed a portion of the apparatus.

Desiring to be weighed from time to time, in order that I might note the effect of gymnastics upon my tonnage, I asked one, who was resting after prodigious efforts to wrench his arms off at a lifting machine, if there were scales convenient.  He surveyed me for a moment—­looked puzzled—­and finally replied hesitatingly,—­’Y-e-s, I think we can manage it.’  He led the way to a window overlooking the Ohio canal.  ’Do you see that building?’ said he, pointing to a low structure on the heel path side, extending partly over the canal.  I intimated that the fabric in question produced a distinct impression on the optic nerves, and inquired its use. ‘Weigh-lock’ he shrieked; ’go and be weighed!’

    ‘Go and be d——­d!’ I yelled, furious at being thus victimized;
    but my angry and profane rejoinder was lost in the shout of
    laughter that went up from the assembled athletes.

Natural abhorrence of jokes, practical or otherwise, is a trait among my people; it runs in the family, like wooden legs.  I immediately sought the boss gymnaster and related the manner in which I had been introduced to his elevating establishment.  I told him I had come there neither to be made a horse of by one nor an ass of by another.  He pledged his word that the like should not occur again, and I was appeased.

I first attempted the parallel bars, but they were never intended for men of my breadth.  My hands giving way, I became so firmly wedged between the bars that it was necessary to cut one of them away in order to release me.  A wag pronounced