It was a happy winter to me, however, notwithstanding my spiritual deficiencies; and the recollection of it still abides in my memory.  I had now no desire for the world and its pleasures.  My mind had quite gone from such empty amusements and frivolities; even the taste I used to have for these things was completely taken away.

I was happier now than ever I had been before, so that I am convinced from personal experience that even a religious life may be one of joy, though by no means so satisfying and abiding as a truly spiritual one.  I was happy, as I have already said, and longed for the time when I could be ordained, and devote my energies to work for God in the ministry.

CHAPTER 3

Ordination and First Parish, 1842.

On the returning spring, as I was feeling so much stronger, and altogether better, I thought I would go and see the physician who had sounded me some months before.  He, after a careful examination, still adhered to his previous opinion, and gave very little hope of my recovery, but suggested that if I went to the north coast of Cornwall there might be a chance for me.

On my return home, I took up an “Ecclesiastical Gazette,” though it was three months old, and looked over the advertisements.  There I observed one which invited a curate for a church in that very neighbourhood.  It was a sole charge; but, strange to say, a title for holy orders was offered also.  In reply to this I wrote a letter, asking for particulars, in which I stated my Church views, and that I was ordered to that part of the country for the benefit of my health.

The Vicar, who resided in another parish, thirty miles off, was so eager to get help for this one, that he wrote back to say he had sent my letter to the Bishop, with one from himself, and that I should hear from his lordship in a few days.

I was surprised at this precipitation of affairs, and all the more so when I received a note from the Bishop of Exeter (Phillpotts), bidding me come to him immediately, that I might be in time for the Lent ordination.

Accordingly, I started westward, and having passed my examination, I was sent with letters dimissory to the Bishop of Salisbury (Denison), to whom I was also sent, a year afterwards, for priest’s orders.  I was very weak, and much exhausted with travelling, but still went on, though I know not how.

The long-desired day at length arrived, and I was duly ordained; but instead of being full of joy, I became much depressed in mind and body, and could not rouse myself from dwelling upon the Bishop’s address, which was very solemn.  He told us that we were going to take charge of the souls of our parishioners, and that God would require them at our hands; we must take heed how we tended the Lord’s flock.  Altogether, it was more than I had calculated upon; and feeling very ill that afternoon, I thought that I had undertaken a burden which would certainly be my ruin.  “What could I do with souls?” My idea of ordination was to be a clergyman, read the prayers, preach sermons, and do all I could to bring people to church; but how could I answer for souls which had to live for ever? and what was I to do with them?