Chair. Were you arrested on discovery?

Wit. No; they spared me that indignity!  They saw, my Lord, that my mother was dying, and respectfully fell back while I assisted the old Lady to pass away peacefully.  But then, after all, they were men.  In spite of their red patrol jackets, brass helmets, and no spurs, they were men, my Lord,—­men!  And, as soldiers, after I had broken from prison, and was accused of murder, they again released me, because some one promised to buy my discharge!

Chair. And where are you quartered?

Wit. At the Royal Princess’s Theatre, Oxford Street, where I have these strange experiences of discipline, and where I am enlisted in the unconventional, not to say illegal, way I have described, nightly; nay, sometimes twice daily!

Chair. And why have you proffered your evidence?

Wit. Because I think the Public ought to know, my Lord, the great services afforded by the most recent Melodrama to the popularity of the Army, and—­yes, the cause of recruiting!

    [The Witness then withdrew.

* * * * *

HOW THEY BRING THE GOOD NEWS!

  All the papers teeming
  With, the news of DEEMING
    On the shore or ship;
  Telling of his tearing
  Hair that he was wearing
    From his upper lip.

  (T-SS-D, rush!  Pursue it! 
  Buy it, bring it, glue it
    On your model!  Quick!)
  Telling how he’s looking,
  How he likes the cooking,—­
    Bah, it makes one sick!

  Telling of his bearing,
  How the crowds are staring,
    What may be his fate,
  Just what clothes he wore the
  Days he came before the
    Local Magistrate.

  And, verbatim printed
  All he’s said or hinted
    As to any deeds;
  Such a chance as this is
  Not a paper misses! 
    Everybody reads!

  Would they give such latest
  News of best and greatest
    Folks?  What’s that you say? 
  Who would read of virtue,
  Or such news insert?  You
    Know it would not pay.

  So, demand creating
  Such supply, they’re stating
    All that they can tell;
  Spite of School-Board teaching,
  Culture, science, preaching,
    This is sure to sell.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THE END OF THE SEASON.  AU REVOIR!]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  STAIRCASE SCENES.—­NO. 1.  PRIVATE VIEW, ROYAL ACADEMY.]

* * * * *

THE YOUNG GIRL’S COMPANION.

(BY MRS. PAYLEY,)

II.—­DINING-OUT.