V.—­Signatures.

Real names and pseudonyms—­Cases where real names are best—­Cases where pseudonyms are best—­Danger of giving both name and address—­The Knobkerry—­The Dog-Whip—­The Art of Self-Defence—­The Law Directory—­Choice of pseudonyms—­Latin v. English—­An Advantage of “One Who Knows” over “Audi Alteram Partem”—­“Scrutator” better than “Spectator ab extra”—­“One who is doing his bit” better than “Junius”—­Reasons for “War-Winner” being the best at present moment.

VI.—­Model Letter with Remarks.

At the present moment no type of letter is more effective than the following:—­

SIR,—­Could anything be more deplorable than the spectacle, which every hour of the day and night affords, of young and vigorous men made up to look like grandfathers.  I am told that the theatrical costumiers and perruquiers are worn to a shadow by the overwork which these contemptible shirkers have subjected them to, and I call on you to use your powerful influence to stop it.  I am credibly informed that if a courageous investigator visiting those funkholes, the clubs of London, were to snatch at the bald scalps so much in evidence there, he would in nine cases out of ten find that they came away in his hand, revealing the chevelure of the youthful and fit but craven.  At any rate the experiment should be tried.  I shall, of course, be told that the Tribunals are active and vigilant and their net so tightly drawn that no one can get through; but we all know what bunglers the English authorities are, whether at the War Office or elsewhere.  It is only in newspaper offices that true efficiency can be found.  I enclose my card and am,

  Yours faithfully,
      “WAR-WINNER.”

Analysis of above—­Reasons for thinking it perfect—­Importance of compliment to editors—­Estimate of its probable result.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THE FOOD CONTROLLER ADDS A NEW TERROR TO MATRIMONY.]

* * * * *

Extremes.

    “He spent 233 years in the 6th Dragoon Guards (Carbineers) and
    commanded that famous regiment in the Boer War.”—­Evening
    Telegraph (Dundee).

    “Sergeant ——­, who is 2 years of age, is married, and has two
    children.”—­Same Paper, same date.

* * * * *

    “Mr. S.J.  Rodrigo, Vidane Aratchy of Kotahena, who was bitten by a made
    bog on Sunday, left for Coonoor last evening by the Talaimannar train
    for treatment.”—­Ceylon Independent.

But why make bogs if they are so dangerous?

* * * * *

From a shoemaker’s advertisement: 

    “ROUGH BOYS WELL LEATHERED.”—­High River Times (Alberta,
    Canada).

The good old slipper has not outlived its usefulness.