A pause.  Enter the Duchess of BATTERSEA.

Duchess. Dear me!  No one here!  So I might have brought the Duke with me, after all!  And yet he is so fond of the petticoats.  He loses his head when he begins kissing his hand.  And I lose my head when I fail to catch a ’buss.  A kiss with him and a ’buss with me—­where’s the difference?

Enter Earl PENNYPLAINE.

Earl (angrily).  You here!

Duchess (with an appealing gesture).  You are not pleased to see me!  You regard me as an adventuress!  You are ashamed of my past!  A past unblessed by a clergyman—­in fact, a past without a pastor!

Earl. Begone!  Do not dare to darken my doors again.  This is no home for old jokes!

Duchess. You must hear me.  Do you know why I have treated you so badly?  Do you know why I have taught your wife to regard me as a rival?  Why I have blackmailed you to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds?  Do you know why I have done all this and more?  I will tell you.  Because I am your Mother-in-law!

Earl (in a choking voice).  I suspected as much from the very first!

Re-enter the Countess, carrying a heap of family portraits.

[Illustration:  FANCY PORTRAIT.

QUITE TOO-TOO PUFFICKLY PRECIOUS!!

Being Lady Windy-mere’s Fan-cy Portrait of the new dramatic author, Shakspeare Sheridan Oscar Puff, Esq.

["He addressed from the stage a public audience, mostly composed of ladies, pressing between his daintily-gloved fingers a still burning and half-smoked cigarette.”—­Daily Telegraph.]]

Countess. Here, Duchess, although you are not to my liking, I have brought you a few pictures of my husband and some of his predecessors.  Take ’em, and bless you!

Duchess (overflowing with emotion).  My dear, this is too much. (Weeps.) You un_woman_—­I should say un_lady_—­me!

Enter Lord TUPPENCE CULLARD.

Lord T.C. Come and marry me.

Duchess. With pleasure!  Lawks-a-mussy! [Exeunt.

Earl. And now, let us remember that while the sun shines, the moon clings like a frightened thing to the face of CLEOPATRA.

Quick Curtain.

Applause follows, when enter the Author.  He holds between his thumb and forefinger a lighted cigarette.

Author. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so much the fashion nowadays to do what one pleases, that I venture to offer you some tobacco while I enjoy a smoke myself. (Throws cigars and cigarettes amongst the audience a la HARRY PAYNE.) Will you forgive me if I change my tail-coat for a smoking jacket?  Thank you! (Makes the necessary alteration of costume in the presence of the audience.) And now I will have a chair. (Stamps, when up comes through a