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QUEER QUERIES.—­CURRENCY REFORM.—­I see that the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER intends to “call in” light sovereigns.  The sovereigns I have all seem to be tolerably heavy, so would there be any objection to my lightening them by taking some of the gold off, and keeping it?  This would form a nice little “metallic reserve” for me, a thing which Mr. GOSCHEN seems to approve of.  Would not an appropriate motto, to be inscribed on the new One Pound Notes, be—­“Quid, pro quo?”—­SLY-METALLIST.

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[Illustration:  LONDON IN VENICE.]

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[Illustration]

HORACE IN LONDON.

TO A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER. (AD CHLORIN.)

  FORBEAR this painted show to strut
    Of girlish toilet, manner skittish: 
  It may be Fin-de-Siecle, but
    It isn’t British.

  To dance, to swell the betting rank,
    To rival ’ARRIET at Marlow;
  To try to break your husband’s bank
    At Monte Carlo,

  Would ill beseem your daughter “smart;”
    The vulgar slang of bacchant mummers,
  If act you must is scarce the part
    For sixty summers.

  Let Age be decent:  keep your hair
    Confined, if nothing else, to one dye: 
  I’d rather see you, I declare,
    Like Mrs. GRUNDY!

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THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC.

(What it may come to.)

["If we are obliged to go into the open market for our soldiers, and compete with other employers of labour, we must bid as highly as they do, in pay, hours of work, and general conditions and comfort.”—­Daily Paper on the Report of Lord Wantage’s Committee.]

SCENE—­A Public Place.

Sergeant KITE and a Possible Recruit in conversation.

Sergeant Kite (continuing).  Then you must remember that we are exceedingly generous in the matter of rations.

Possible Recruit (pained). Rations!  I suppose you mean courses!  I find that in all the large firms in London the assistants have a dinner of six courses served, with cigars and coffee to follow.  I couldn’t think of joining the Army unless I had the same.

Sergeant K. (with suppressed emotion).  If it must be so, then it must.  Who’s to pay the piper, I don’t know!  The Public, I suppose.

P.  R. I should think so!  Then as to drills.  Really the number of these useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours at which they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the convenience of private soldiers.  By the bye, of course I need hardly mention that I should not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I should never be called before 9.30 A.M.  My early cup of tea and shaving-water might be brought to me at nine.