Author. Nothing will induce me to take a call after the shameful way they’ve behaved!  And it’s all the fault of the acting.  When we get home, I’ll read the play all through to you again, and you’ll see now it ought to have been done!  A hundred and twenty pounds simply thrown away!

    [Retires, consoled by her Companion, and the consciousness
    that true genius is invariably unappreciated.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, March 21.—­Uneasy feeling spread through House to-night consequent on question addressed by MACINNES to UNDER-SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS.  Wants to know “whether his attention has been called to the increase of drinking among Natives in the Coast Towns?” CAUSTON particularly depressed.

[Illustration:  “Sir, I am not—­“]

[Illustration:  “—­an Agricultural Labourer.”]

“I sat for Colchester for five years, you know,” he said, “and grew into habit of regarding the Natives as my constituents.  For five years never swallowed one without thinking I was reducing the number on the Register.  Used to excuse myself on the ground that the particular bivalve that had disappeared must have been a Conservative, or it would never have been so stupid as to leave its comfortable bed to embark on such a journey.  My interest in the oyster is now secondary.  They don’t flourish in Southwark; whelks more in our way down there.  Still one cannot forget old associations, and confess I’m rather knocked over to hear this report MACINNES has brought up.  Can’t imagine anything more distressing than the spectacle of a drunken oyster—­probably with dishevelled beard—­coming home late at night and trying to get into another Native’s shell under impression that he has recognised his own front door.  Must see WILFRID LAWSON about this; get up an Oyster Temperance Society; framed certificates, blue ribbon, and all that, if the thing spreads, we shall have oysters emitting quite a rum-punch flavour when we add the lemon.”

Gloom dissipated two hours later by appearance of BOBBY SPENCER at the Table.  BOBBY doesn’t often witch the House with oratory.  Content with important though to outsiders obscure position he occupies in Party administration.  His is the hand that pulls the strings to which Liberal Party dance.  SCHNADHORST gets some credit, but everybody knows BOBBY’s the man.  To see these two political strategists in conference is sufficient to reassure the Liberal Party on the possible issues of the General Election.

SCHNADHORST complains that BOBBY has a trick, after addressing him through the ear-trumpet he (S.) carries in reminiscence of JOSHUA REYNOLDS, of putting his ear to the trumpet as if he expected the answer to arrive through that medium.

[Illustration:  MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN ON “THE HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT.”]