[Illustration:  “Sir, a roughly-dressed stranger ... requests a few words.”]

The Author. I wish they would be a little quicker.  I’ve a good mind to go behind myself and hurry them up.  The audience are beginning to get impatient.

Her Companion. But that shows how interested they are, doesn’t it, dear?

Author. I think it ought to interest them, but I did expect they would have shown a little more enthusiasm over that situation in the last tableau—­they’re rather a cold audience!

Comp. It’s above their heads, dear, that’s where it is—­plays are such rubbish nowadays, people don’t appreciate a really great drama just at first.  I do hope Mr. IRVING, Mr. HARE and Mr. BEERBOHM TREE will come in—­I’m sure they’ll be only too anxious to secure it!

Author. I don’t know that I should care for it to come out at the Lyceum, but of course if the terms were very—­oh, they’re beginning at last!  I hope this light comedy scene will go well. (Curtain rises:  Comic dialogue—­nothing whatever to do with the plot—­between a Footman and a Matinee Maidservant in short sleeves, a lace tucker, and a diamond necklace; depression of audience.  Serious characters enter and tell one another long and irrelevant stories, all about nothing.  When the auditor remarks, “Your story is indeed a sad one—­but go on,” a shudder goes through the house, which becomes a groan ten minutes later when the listener says: “You have told me your history—­now hear mine!” He tells it; it proves, if possible, duller and more irrelevant than the other man’s.  A love-scene follows, characterised by all the sparkle and brilliancy of “Temperance Champagne”; the House witnesses the fall of the Curtain with apathy.)

Author. That love-scene was perfectly ruined by the acting!  She ought to have turned her head aside when he said, “Dash the teapot!” but she never did, and he left out all that about dreaming of her when he was ill with measles in Mashonaland!  I wish they wouldn’t have such long waits, though.  We timed the piece at rehearsal, and, with the cuts I made, it only played about four hours; but I’m afraid it will take longer than that to-day.

Comp. I don’t care how long it is—­it’s so beautifully written!