The S.A. (with superiority).  I heard you, o’ course, but, as I’m always tellin’ you, you don’t do it delicate enough!  When you’ve been in the profession as long as I have, and seen as much of human nature, you’ll begin to understand how important it is to ’ave tact.  Now you never ’eard me stoop to flattery nor yet over-familiarity—­and yet you can see for yourself I manage without ’urting nobody’s feelings—­however bald!  That’s tact, that is!

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[Illustration:  “INFLAMMABLE BUTTONS.”  UN PAGE D’AMOUR.]

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HORACE IN LONDON.

TO A WAITER. (AD PUERUM.)

[Illustration]

None of your mispronounced Gallic shams, Waiter; Call not “Potato” a “Pomme-de-terre, maiter D’ottle.”  I’d rather you styled it “Pertater,” As Britons, sure, may.

As for decor, let the linen be stainless—­ Crowns of exotics are gauds for the brainless. Crowns, indeed!  Here’s half-a-crown; you would gain less Oft from a gourmet.

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MRS. R. has just purchased the first two volumes of The History of the Popes (edited by F. ANTROBUS), “because,” she says, “I particularly want to read about the time of the Reminiscence, with all about FIFTUS THE SIXTH and the Humorists.”

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SERIOUS CASE.—­A patient who doesn’t want it known that there’s anything the matter with him, has placed himself under the care of Dr. ROBSON ROOSETEM PASHA, “because,” he says, “his visits then are ’sub Roose-ah!’” [Now we know what’s the matter with him.—­ED.]

* * * * *

A PLEA FOR THE DEFENCE.

    SCENE—­Mr. Punch’s Sanctum.  Mr. PUNCH discovered, to him
    enter Mr. JOHN BULL.

Mr. Punch.  Well, Mr. BULL, what can I do for you?

Mr. Bull.  I want to know your opinion, Mr. Punch on the report of Lord WANTAGE’s Committee on Recruiting?

Mr. P. Which of the reports, my friend?  There seem to be two—­one by the Soldier Members, and the other by the Government Under-Secretary of State for War.

Mr. B. Can’t they be lumped together, Mr. Punch?

Mr. P. Well, yes, in the sense of being discarded.  They are neither satisfactory, although they contradict one another.

Mr. B. So I think, Mr. Punch.  What is to be done?

Mr. P. I will do my best to answer you.  But just as a preliminary question, may I ask whether you insure your house, Mr. BULL?

Mr. B. Why, yes, certainly.  I pay for guardianship and protection.  If I did not, I should have to start fire-engines and the rest of it myself.