* * * * *

[Illustration:  PERFECTLY PLAIN.

Young Wife. “OH, I’M SO HAPPY!  HOW IS IT YOU’VE NEVER MARRIED, MISS PRYMME?”

Miss Prymme. “MY DEAR, I NEVER HAVE ACCEPTED—­AND NEVER WOULD ACCEPT—­ANY OFFER OF MARRIAGE!”

[And then her Questioner began softly playing the old Air, “Nobody axed you."]]

* * * * *

THE TWO SHEPHERDS.

[Mr. JOHN MORLEY was, on Feb. 6, at Newcastle-on-Tyne, initiated a Hon. Member of the Loyal Order of Ancient Shepherds, and afterwards, in a speech in the People’s Palace, sharply criticised Mr. CHAMBERLAIN’s plan for Old Age Pensions, expressing his preference for “more modest operations” in the direction of relaxing and enlarging the provisions of the Poor Law.]

To the Tune of Burns’s “The Twa Herds."

O, all ye poor and aged flocks,
Dealt with in fashion orthodox
By Bumble bodies hard as rocks,
And stern as tykes;
And treated like mere waifs and crooks,
Or herded Smikes!

Two brother Shepherds, as men thought,
Have somehow fallen out and fought,
Though each your welfare swore he sought;
Flock-herding elves,
What can this bickering have brought
Between themselves?

O, earnest JOHN and jocund JOE,
How could two Shepherds shindy so. 
Old Light and New Light, con. and pro? 
Now dash my buttons! 
A squabbling pastor is a foe
To all poor muttons.

O Sirs, whoe’er would have expected
That crook and pipe you’d have neglected,
By foolish love of fight infected
Concerning food? 
As though the sheep would have rejected
Aught that is good!

What herd like JOSEPH could prevail? 
His voice was heard o’er hill and dale;
He knew each sheep from head to tail
In vale or height,
And told whether ’twas sick or hale
At the first sight.

But JOE had a new-fangled plan
For feeding ancient sheep.  The man
Posed as a true Arcadian,
With a great gift
For zeal humanitarian,
Combined with thrift.

But JOHN replied, “Pooh-pooh!  Your scheme
Is but an optimistic dream,
Whose ‘shadowy incentives’ seem
The merest spooks. 
Better the ancient plans, I deem,
Food, folds, and crooks.

“You do not grapple with the case
Of poorest sheep, a numerous race. 
As to the black ones, with what face
Claim care for such? 
’Tis hungry old sheep of good race
My feelings touch.

“Your scheme will cost no end—­and fail. 
No sheep who ever twitched a tail
So foolish is—­I would not rail!—­
As such a ‘herd.’ 
I’d ‘modest operations’ hail,
But yours?—­absurd!

“Better reform, relax, extend
The old provisions.  I commend
Plenty of food, and care no end,
For all poor sheep;
But flocks would not get poor, my friend,
Had they good keep!”