Well, my pile’s a million,
    That’s a fact, you bet: 
  I’m in our cotillon
    Quite the Broadway Pet: 
  I can sing like PATTI;
    And to win I went
  For the Cincinnati
    Tennis Tournament.

  I’ve a lovely right hand;
    For my face I’ve sat
  By electric light—­and
    Elegant at that! 
  I enclose the photo,
    Just for you to see,
  But deny in toto
    That it flatters me.

  You, I’ve read, are rather
    “Up the Spout” for cash,
  Owing to your father
    Having been so splash: 
  I from debt could free you,
    And in Politics
  Calculate to see you
    Bagging all the tricks.

  Any Earl who marries
    ANASTASIA JAY
  Will (except in Paris)
    Get his little way,
  Fear no interference;
    Relatives remain,—­
  But their disappearance
    Beats me to explain.

  THOMAS, I adore thee!—­
    “THOMAS” is thy name,
  Isn’t it?—­the more the
    Scandal and the shame! 
  All I ask you, TOM, is
    Just one loving line,
  One type-written promise
    Publishing you mine.

  Matrimony’s heart is
    Houselike, “half-detached,”
  Seldom save at parties
    Or in papers matched—­
  Answer “Yes,” or break’ll
    This poor heart of mine. 
  Be my Fin-de-Siecle,
    Be my Valentine!

* * * * *

QUERY BY A DEPRESSED CONVALESCENT.—­“This Influenza is nothing new, nor is the Microbe.  Wasn’t MICROBIUS an ancient classic writer?  Didn’t he treat this subject historically?  There’s evidently some confusion of ideas somewhere.  As Hamlet says:—­

            ’O, cursed spite
  That ever I was born to set it right.’

But I beg pardon, that ‘set it right’ shows that Hamlet was a Surgeon, not a Physician.  Excuse me.  ‘To bed!  To bed!’”

* * * * *

SAD THOUGHT IN MY OWN LIBRARY.—­I am a stranger among books.  Resting on their shelves, they all turn their backs on me. En revanche, if I find among them a new one, a perfect stranger to me, I cut him.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  TRUE HOSPITALITY.

(Sir Bonamy Croesus gives seven Dinner Parties a week, and expects his Friends to come and choose their own day, and inscribe their Names and the Date on the Dinner-Book in the Hall.)

Fair Visitor.  “Look, George!  Wednesday, the 17th, the Fetterbys are coming.  That’ll do capitally!” (Writes down “Mr. and Mrs. Topham Sawyer, Feb. 17th.") “And There’s room for one more.  Let’s drive round to Emily’s, and get her to come and put her Name down for the same Day!”]

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FKOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.