Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 100, April 25, 1891 eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 39 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 100, April 25, 1891.

Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 100, April 25, 1891 eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 39 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 100, April 25, 1891.

“By the over-scrupulous, perhaps,” returned the Professor, with a smile.

“And the expense,” observed a second of his intimates, “will be no small consideration.  If we put the matter to a thorough test, a large quantity—­a very large quantity of the necessary liquid will have to be purchased and disposed of.  Am I not right in hazarding this supposition?”

“Undoubtedly,” responded the Professor, “and the cost will be enhanced by the fact that the necessary liquids will have to be of the best possible quality.  As Dr. PAVEY observed before the Committee ’It is not the alcohol in itself that is injurious, but the by-products.’  Our aim must be to eliminate the by-products.”

“I think the idea first-rate,” said the third friend; and then he paused and added, seemingly as an after-thought, “Pass the bottle.”

So the Professor and his three companions decided to make the investigation in the cause of scientific research.  It was resolved that after a week they should meet again, and that in the meanwhile they should in their own persons carry on the experiment continuously.  When this had been arranged the friends parted company.

At the appointed time the contemplated gathering became a concrete fact.  The Professor’s friends were the first to appear at the rendezvous.  They were unsteady as to their gait, their neckties were in disorder and their hair falling carelessly over their eyes, added a fresh impediment to an eyesight that seemingly was temporarily defective.  They sank into three chairs regarding one another with a smile that gradually resolved itself into a frown.  Then they filled up the pause caused by the non-appearance of the Professor by weeping silently.  Their emotion was not of long duration, as the originator of the experiment was soon in their midst.  He seemed to be in excellent health and spirits.

“My dear friend,” he said, and it was noticeable that he was prone to clip his words, and to use the singular, in lieu of the plural, when the latter would have been more conventional, “My dear friend, glad see you all.  Hope you well.”

His comrades received the well-meant greeting with a resentful frown, which ended in further weeping.

“This very painful,” continued the Professor, resting his hand somewhat heavily on the back of a chair; “very painful indeed!  Fact is, you been taking wrong things!”

His friends sorrowfully shook their heads negatively.

“Yes you have!  Sure of it!  You, Sir—­imbibed whiskey!  No harm in good whiskey—­excellent thing, good whiskey!  But injuriverius—­should say, injurious—­if has too much flavour of malt!  Your whiskey too much flavour of malt!  You took brandy—­bad brandy—­too much taste of grapes!  You took rum—­bad rum—­too much mo—­mo—­molasses!  Now I took all three—­whiskey, brandy, rum, but pure—­no by-products.  No, not at all.  Result!  See!  Sober as judge!”

And, succumbing to a sudden desire for slumber, the Professor, at this point of his discourse, joined his friends under the table!

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 100, April 25, 1891 from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.