CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

     Spicer discloses strange Matters.

The next day, when I called to see Spicer, I found him in great pain.  Anderson had been with him, but he had been in such agony that he found it almost impossible to converse with him.  Spicer did not like that I should leave him, although he could not talk, and I therefore remained by his bedside, occasionally assisting him to move from one position to another, or to take the drink that was by his bedside.  Toward the evening he became more easy, and went to sleep.  I left him, therefore, till the next day.  As I supposed, the mortification had commenced, for the doctor told him so the next morning, when he visited him, and the chaplain pointed out to him that all hopes of living were now over.  Spicer heard the communication unmoved.  He asked the doctor how long he might live, and his reply was, it was possible four or five days, and that he would feel no more pain.  He was now able to listen to Anderson, and he did so.  I shall not trouble the reader with repeating what Anderson imparted to me, as I can give him an idea of Spicer’s feelings by what passed between us.

“Tom,” said he, “I have led a very wicked life, so wicked that I hate to think of it, and I hate myself.  I believe all that Anderson and the chaplain tell me, and I find that I may hope and do hope for mercy; but I can’t cry, or wail, or tear my hair.  The fact is, Tom, I can’t feel afraid.  If I am pardoned, and I do scarcely expect it, I shall be all gratitude, as well I may.  Should I be condemned, I shall acknowledge my punishment just, and not complain, for I have deserved all; but I cannot feel fear.  I believe I ought; but it is not in my nature, I suppose.”

“But you do not feel anything like defiance, Spicer?”

“No, God forbid! no, nothing like that, but my spirit cannot quail.”

He was very anxious for the chaplain the last two days of his life, and I really believe was sincere in his repentance; but before I wind up his history, I will narrate to the reader those portions of his life which are unknown, and which are necessary to the explanation of other matters.

He told me that when he first went to sea he had joined a vessel employed in the slave trade, that he had left it at Gambia, and shipped on board of a vessel which was about to cruise on the Spanish Main.  He was some time in her, and had been appointed second officer, when he resolved to fit out a vessel and cruise for himself.  He had therefore quitted the vessel at Surinam, and worked his passage home in a sugar ship.