Grim RIDER HAGGARD
      (Whose fiction is “blood-and-brandy,” oh!)
      Says Africa always comes handy, oh! 
      For “something new.”  It sounds grandy, oh! 
    But a telling new plot I’m afraid is not
      The fortune of GRANDY-PANDY, oh!

  Did they miss me much?  Well, I fancy not;
    (Though a few did come to greet me;)
  The general verdict’s “A very queer lot!”
    Nor is SOL in a hurry to meet me.
  He does not spy me afar off.  No! 
    He would rather I kept my distance;
  And if to the front I again should go,
    ’Twon’t be with his assistance. 
      He deems me a troublesome GRANDY, oh’
      In political harness not handy, oh! 
    I am out of a job, while BALFOUR is a nob,
      That lank and effeminate dandy, oh! 
      Well, a prodigal son may be “sandy.” oh! 
      I am off for a soda-and-brandy, oh! 
    And a “tub” at my Club, where I’m sure of a snub
      From the foes of returning GRANDY, oh!

* * * * *

[Illustration:  “A VOLUNTARY CONTRIBUTION.”

Philistine Wife.  “YOUR PAPER ISN’T AT ALL AMUSING JUST NOW.  BUT THERE, I MUST CONFESS IT IS NOT EASY TO BE EITHER FUNNY OR WITTY EVERY WEEK.”

Journalist (much worried).  “NO, MY DEAR, MUCH EASIER TO BE ALWAYS DULL AND PROSAIC EVERY EVENING.”

[He was about to add a personal illustration, but as, fortunately, he didn’t, the subject dropped.]

* * * * *

THE CROSS-EXAMINER’S VADE MECUM.

Question.  Have you a right to ask any question in Court?

Answer.  Certainly, and the questioning is left to my discretion.

Ques. What do you understand by discretion?

Ans. An unknown quality defined occasionally by the Press and the Public.

Ques. Is the definition invariably the same?

Ans. No, for it depends upon the exigencies of the Press and the frivolity and fickleness of the Public.

Ques. Were you to refrain from questioning a Witness anent his antecedents, and subsequently those antecedents becoming known, his evidence were to lose the credence of the papers, what would be said of you?

Ans. That I had neglected my duty.

Ques. Were you to question a Witness on his past, and, by an interruption of the trial, that Witness’s evidence were consequently to become superfluous, what would then be said of you?

Ans. That I had exceeded my duty.

Ques. Is it an easy matter to reconcile the interests of your clients with the requirements of Public Opinion.

Ans. It is a most difficult arrangement, the more especially as Public Opinion is usually composed of the joint ideas of hundreds of people who know as much about law as does a bed-post.