Yours very respectfully.

Mark Twain.

P.S.—­For the best Obituary—­one suitable for me to read in public, and calculated to inspire regret—­I desire to offer a Prize, consisting of a Portrait of me done entirely by myself in pen and ink without previous instructions.  The ink warranted to be the kind used by the very best artists.

A MONUMENT TO ADAM

Some one has revealed to the Tribune that I once suggested to Rev. Thomas K. Beecher, of Elmira, New York, that we get up a monument to Adam, and that Mr. Beecher favored the project.  There is more to it than that.  The matter started as a joke, but it came somewhat near to materializing.

It is long ago—­thirty years.  Mr. Darwin’s descent of man has been in print five or six years, and the storm of indignation raised by it was still raging in pulpits and periodicals.  In tracing the genesis of the human race back to its sources, Mr. Darwin had left Adam out altogether.  We had monkeys, and “missing links,” and plenty of other kinds of ancestors, but no Adam.  Jesting with Mr. Beecher and other friends in Elmira, I said there seemed to be a likelihood that the world would discard Adam and accept the monkey, and that in the course of time Adam’s very name would be forgotten in the earth; therefore this calamity ought to be averted; a monument would accomplish this, and Elmira ought not to waste this honorable opportunity to do Adam a favor and herself a credit.

Then the unexpected happened.  Two bankers came forward and took hold of the matter—­not for fun, not for sentiment, but because they saw in the monument certain commercial advantages for the town.  The project had seemed gently humorous before—­it was more than that now, with this stern business gravity injected into it.  The bankers discussed the monument with me.  We met several times.  They proposed an indestructible memorial, to cost twenty-five thousand dollars.  The insane oddity of a monument set up in a village to preserve a name that would outlast the hills and the rocks without any such help, would advertise Elmira to the ends of the earth —­and draw custom.  It would be the only monument on the planet to Adam, and in the matter of interest and impressiveness could never have a rival until somebody should set up a monument to the Milky Way.

People would come from every corner of the globe and stop off to look at it, no tour of the world would be complete that left out Adam’s monument.  Elmira would be a Mecca; there would be pilgrim ships at pilgrim rates, pilgrim specials on the continent’s railways; libraries would be written about the monument, every tourist would kodak it, models of it would be for sale everywhere in the earth, its form would become as familiar as the figure of Napoleon.

One of the bankers subscribed five thousand dollars, and I think the other one subscribed half as much, but I do not remember with certainty now whether that was the figure or not.  We got designs made —­some of them came from Paris.