One, two, crimson and blue;
    Two, three, treaclyness free;
    Three, four, gilding galore;
    Four, five, bogies alive;
    Five, six, spectres from Styx;
    Six, seven, angels from heaven;
    Seven, eight, big “extra plate”;
    Eight, nine, wassail and wine;
    Nine, ten, pencil and pen;
    Ten, eleven, commercial leaven;
    Eleven, twelve, “high-art” shelve;
  Thirteen, fourteen, pictures of sporting;
  Fifteen, sixteen, ghost-stories, fixt een;
  Seventeen, eighteen, advertisements great in;
  Nineteen, twenty, profit in plenty!

* * * * *

[Illustration:  “WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST.”—­NO. 5.

WHEN, AFTER LUNCHING SUMPTUOUSLY AT A STRANGE HOTEL IN A STRANGE PART OF THE COUNTRY, IT SUDDENLY OCCURS TO HIM THAT HE HAS LEFT HIS PURSE, WITH ALL HIS MONEY IN IT, IN THE MAIL TRAIN GOING NORTH.]

* * * * *

ILLEGAL FICTIONS.

    SCENE—­Interior of a Publisher’s Office, shortly after the
    trial of Pinnock v.  Chapman and Hall.

Publisher.  We have given our best attention to your Manuscript of a three-volumed novel, called—­let me see, what did you call it?  Oh, yes, here it is!—­called, Haunted by Sixteen Goblins, and we are afraid it won’t do.

Literary Aspirant (pained).  Won’t do!

Pub. (calmly).  No.  Won’t do a bit—­at least, not in its present form.  You see, you introduce a Pirate Chief, named Captain WILDFIRE, who lives at Singapore, and who murders the mate, the steward, five seamen, and all the Passengers of the Jolly Seamew, the vessel that he commands, and appropriates five million dollars belonging to his employers, the vessel’s owners.

Lit.  Asp. Quite so.  I thought those incidents would be rather exciting.  They’re so new.  Do you object to the murders, or what?

Pub. Oh, dear no!  But now this name, Captain WILDFIRE. (Suspiciously.) Are you sure there is nobody whose name is at all like it, and who also resides at Singapore?

Lit.  Asp. I took the name quite by chance.  I’ve never been near Singapore in my life.

Pub. (relieved).  Glad to hear it.  One has to be so careful nowadays.  Here’s an Army List—­let us see if anybody called WILDFIRE figures in it.  Ha!  What’s this!  “Major WILDMAN, 217th Hussars.” (Gazes at Lit.  Aspirant sternly.) Is your Captain WILDFIRE intended as a caricature of Major WILDMAN, Sir, or is it not?

Lit.  Asp. (astonished).  Why, of course not!  I never heard of the man.

Pub. Very likely not. We should hear of him precious soon if we published your novel as it stands.

Lit.  Asp. But what reason is there to suppose this Major WILDMAN has ever been to Singapore?  And how can a captain of a merchantship like the Jolly Seamew be confused with a Major in the Army who has never commanded a vessel in his life?