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ROBERT IN A FOG!

Well, if we ain’t a been and had a werry pretty dose of reel London Fog lately, I, for one, shood like to kno when we did have one.  As for its orful effecks upon tempers, speshally female ones, Well, it’s about enuff to drive a pore Waiter, let alone a hard-workin, middel-aged Husband, stark staring mad!

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However, thank goodness, I’ve got one werry grand xception, and he reglar cheers me up with his constant good humer.

I need ardly say as it’s my old Amerrycan friend, who has cum back to the Grand Hotel again, jest for to see what a reel London Winter is like, and he bears it all, fog and all, splendidly.  He was jest in time to see Lord MARE’s Sho from one of our best front winders, and if he didn’t sit there and larf away as the pore soddened and soaked persession parsed by, speshally at the Lord MARE’s six gennelmen with their padded carves and pink silk stockins, I never seed a gennelman larf.  “Why on earth, Mr. ROBERT,” he says to me, “why don’t they have it in the bewtifool Summer, for it’s reelly a very splendid performunce?” To which I replied, rather smartly, becoz I was naterally rayther cross, “Becoz it has allers bin held on the same honnerd day since the rain of Lord Mare ALLWINE, who rained sewen hunderd years ago.”  “And has probably rained ewer since,” he larfingly replied, as he went out.

He thinks London a fine place for Theaters, and went sumware amost ewery nite afore the Fog begun; but that rayther tried him, speshally in the middle of the day; so he harsked me to tell him, from my long xperience, what was the best posserbel Lunch with which to fite agenst it.  So I pulled myself together, and told him one of my good stories:—­“One of our werry best City Judges, who is passed and gone, used to have a fat Buck sent to him wunce a year by the QUEEN, from Windsor Forest.  He didn’t care werry much for Wenson hisself, so he goes to BRING AND RYMER, wich is potical sort o’ name, but it is the Turtel Firm, and he xchanges his Fat Buck for Turtel Lunches all through the cold, cold Winter, and they kep him helthy and strong for years.”

“Then bring me one of his Lordship’s Lunches at 2 o’clock sharp, to-day,” said he, “and I’ll try it.”  So I took him a scrumpshus bason of thick Turtel, and a pint Bottel of CLICKO’s rich Shampane, and he finisht the lot, and said, “Bring me xactly the same splendid lunch ewery day the fog lastes.”  And I did; and he told me as how it enabeld him to face it bravely.

Well, now for my foggy story.  On that orful Toosday as ewer was, I was a going to cross Cheapside near the Post Office, when a stout elderly Lady arsked me to see her over, and, just as we got to the Statty, in the middel of the road, down she fell, and dragged me down with her.  A most kind Perliceman rushed to our asistance, and saved us both.  I then, luckily, got her a Cab, and took her home to ——­