comical effect.  I have seen it done, and it made me laugh.  Please let him sit upon the band-box for the future.  If he sits down accidentally the effect will be heightened.  It will be very funny.  By the way, let all the box-keepers give programmes free of charge to officers and ladies under forty.  I shall soon be at the theatre again to attend a rehearsal.  I will wire ten minutes before I come, so that you may have proper time to call your company together.  Till then, you incompetent sausage, you can enjoy your Lager and pipe in peace!

TO A DOCTOR.

I have been reading some of the Medical Journals, and I am not quite sure whether I think your manner of cutting off a leg is the proper way.  It may be, but, on the other hand, it may not.  Before you cut off another leg communicate with me, and I will fix a date (as early as I can—­probably within six months), when I can see your patient, and give you my opinion.  By the way, do not go your rounds until you hear from me, as I may want to see you at any time.

TO A COACH-BUILDER.

You don’t know how to make a carriage.  The other day I thought of a capital idea, but, for the moment, cannot remember it.  However, I fancy it had something to do with square wheels.  At any rate you had better not make any more carriages until I call.  I will come as soon as I can—­probably before Spring twelvemonths.

TO A RELATIVE.

Had not time to answer your letter before.  I do not in the least agree with you.  I hate people who do not mind their own business.  Why not attend to your own, and leave mine alone?  If you do not take care, I will arrange to visit you in State! So you had better mind what you are about!

* * * * *

PROGRAMME OF THE CYCLOPAEDIC CIRCUS.

(UNDER THE IMMEDIATE PATRONAGE OF LORD SALISBURY.)

The Members of the School Board of Little Peddlington have the honour to announce that, in deference to the expressed opinion of the

PREMIER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM,

that it would be wise to substitute Circuses for school-rooms in the provinces, have arranged for the holding of

A GRAND SCHOLASTIC GALA,

on a scale of unprecedented magnificence.  The Members have engaged, at considerable expense, that admirable Artist,

THE COURIER OF BOTH THE GLOBES,

who will, during a rapid ride on a retired cab-horse, exhibit and explain a series of gigantic maps of

EUROPE, ASIA, AFRICA, AND AMERICA.

This Star Artist will be followed by that talented troupe of relatives who for many years have drawn enormous crowds to their performances under the assumed but appropriate name of

THE BOUNDING BROTHERS OF THE SPELLING-BEES.

They will go through their marvellous feats in tossing barrels (bearing on their sides painted letters), and thus combining amusement with instruction.  Their last act will be to keep in simultaneous motion a sufficient number of labelled milk-cans to spell the sentence, “Farewell to all kind friends in front.”  This marvellous double quartette will be followed by