[Left arguing.  Sequel—­some day.

* * * * *

OUR OLD FRIEND ONCE MORE.—­Mrs. RAM has lately taken to theatre-going.  She says, however, that she doesn’t much care about going on first nights of new pieces, as the Stalls are full of Crickets.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO.

KATHLEEN.  “I’LL HAVE NO SMALLER; THIS DOTH FIT THE TIME.  AND
GENTLEWOMEN WEAR SUCH HATS AS THESE.”

PETRUCHIO.  “WHEN YOU ARE GENTLE, YOU SHALL HAVE ONE TOO, BUT—­OF
ANOTHER FASHION.”—­Shakspeare Balfourised.]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  The G.O.M.  Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap).]

* * * * *

PAUL PRY IN THE PURPLE.

(EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS FOUND IN A GERMAN POST-BAG.)

TO A BISHOP.

It has occurred to me that your sermons are not quite as good as they should be.  You do not seem to grasp your subject with sufficient strength.  I have not time to come to listen to you, as I have other pressing engagements, and consequently write from hearsay.  Still, I believe I have good reason for my strictures.  However, that you may have an excellent example upon which to model your discourses in the future, I will myself visit your cathedral at a near date, and occupy your pulpit.  I will wire ten minutes before I arrive with my sermon.

TO A GENERAL.

I congratulate you upon the success of the recent manoeuvres.  Nothing could have been finer than the manner in which the entire Army saluted me on my approach.  Perhaps the bands might have played the National Anthem half-an-hour longer or so, but for all that, the effect was excellent.  And now I have got a really splendid idea.  And you must help me.  I want to order all the troops to another part of the country without telling their officers, and then, when they least expect it, you and I will order a general assembly.  It will be such a joke to see the commanders when they appear on parade without any soldiers!  They will be so surprised!  And sha’n’t we laugh!  But mind, not a word to anyone until we have had our fun.  As an old soldier who has deserved well of his Fatherland, I rely on your discretion.

TO A THEATRICAL MANAGER.

[Illustration]

I was at the performances in your play-house the other evening, and, as I told you at the time, was not at all satisfied with the representation.  I informed you that when I had time I would jot down my complaints, and I am now keeping my promise.  I don’t like the costume of the Tragedy Queen—­her heels are too high and why does she wear gloves?  The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part.  He has to walk about with a band-box.  Now why does he not seize the opportunity to place it on a chair and sit upon it?  This would have a very