Oh, most excellent true!  How I thank thee, great Times,
    For teaching that phrase!  ’Tis delicious! 
  Fiction!  The haunt of mad follies, crass crimes,
    Fads futile, and tastes meretricious. 
  Oh, joy, to transport to that Limbo of Fools,
    Upon trial and honest conviction,
  The plagues of our Parties, our Churches, our Schools,
    Who ought to “retire into Fiction.”

  When WINDYWHAME, M.P., goes spouting about,
    His flatulent madness and malice;
  When SLUDGE, after years of dogmatical doubt,
    Finds Faith’s Wonderland worthy of Alice;
  When POPINJAY airs his effeminate Art,
    And DOBBS sputters dirt in choice diction,
  Ye gods, there’d be joy in Church, Forum, and Mart,
    If the fools would “retire into Fiction.”

  Pragmatical pietists, sceptics obtuse
    Who Progress impede with crude cackle,
  Predestinate duffers of prattle profuse,
    Who the biggest world-problems would tackle;
  State-quacks, shouting Emperors, queer School-Board cranks,
    We’ll give you our best benediction,
  And speed you at parting with heartiest thanks,
    If you’ll only—­“retire into Fiction!”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  EMANCIPATION.

Young Bride of Three Hours’ standing (just starting on her Wedding Trip).—­“OH, EDWIN DEAR!  HERE’S ‘TOM JONES.’  PAPA TOLD ME I WASN’T TO READ IT TILL I WAS MARRIED!  THE DAY HAS COME ...  AT LAST!  BUY IT FOR ME, EDWIN DEAR.”]

* * * * *

ARMING THE AMAZONS.

(MODERN BRUMMAGEM VERSION.)

[At the meeting (at Birmingham) of the National Union of Conservative and Constitutional Associations, a resolution in favour of “considering the claims of women to be admitted to the franchise when entitled by ownership or occupation,” was carried “by an overwhelming majority, amid loud cheers.”  Mrs. FAWCETT afterwards said, “What new forces were they (the Conservative Party) prepared to bring against the anarchy, socialism and revolution which were arrayed against them?  The granting of women’s suffrage would be against the disintegrating power of the other side, as women were everywhere anti-revolutionary forces....  This would add about 800,000 to the electorate.  They would be, she believed, middle-aged women of property, than whom she thought they could not assemble more anti-revolutionary forces.”]

Trojan Leader loquitur:—­

  To arm the Amazons against the Greeks,
  OVIDIUS hints, proud manhood galls and piques. 
  No doubt; yet NASO did it in his day,
  And we, in ours, who, sorely-pressed, would stay
  The rising tide of Revolution, check
  Disintegration, of the claws who’d peck
  At our political sleeves and platform hearts
  Must not be frightened. 
      “Rummiest