[Footnote 1: 

  Amiens.  What’s that “ducdame”?

  Jaques.  ’Tis a Greek invocation to call fools into a circle.

“As You Like It,” Act II., Sc. 5.]

* * * * *

THE EVOLUTION OF TOMMY’S PRIVATE-SCHOOL REPORT.

1. A rough draught, written by the under-master, who certainly has had rather a trying week with TOMMY.

“I am unable to speak highly of either his intelligence or his industry; but occasionally he works well, and has undoubtedly made some progress this term.  His conduct is not always good.”

2. Second rough draught; TOMMY in the meantime has missed a repetition and accidentally knocked down the black-board.

“Exceptionally stupid and idle.  Cannot be said to have made any progress whatever this term, although he has had every effort made with him.  His conduct is abominable, noisy and unruly in the extreme.”

3. Fair copy to be submitted to the principal; of course, TOMMY had not intended to be overheard when he spoke of the under-master as “Old Pig-face,” but this is the result.

“A more idle and utterly worthless boy it has never been my misfortune to teach.  Seems to have gone steadily backward all the term.  Is most objectionable in his manners, and has no sense of honour.”

4. Fair copy, as amended by the principal; how was TOMMY to know that stone would break the conservatory window, and drive the principal to alter the report to this?

“Would be better suited in a reformatory than in a school of this standing.  Utterly depraved, vicious and idle, with marked criminal instincts.  In intellect verges on the imbecile.  Unless there is a marked improvement next term, I cannot keep him.”

5. Principal’s final copy; it was fortunate that TOMMY happened to remark that he had four cousins who were, perhaps, coming next term.  One can’t lose four pupils, even if it makes it necessary to write like this.

“A singularly bright and high-spirited boy; a little given to mischief, as all boys are, but quite amenable to discipline.  My assistant speaks most highly of his progress this term, and of his general intelligence.  He seems well suited by our system.  His conduct is, on the whole, admirable.  He is truthful and conscientious.”

* * * * *

COUPLET BY A CYNIC.

  “Poetry does not sell!” cry plaintive pleaders. 
  Alas! most modern Poetry does—­its readers!

* * * * *

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