most thoroughly protecting weapon, clearing instantly a large space on each side of you, and even sometimes involving the summoning of the conductor or guard, with a view to your removal either to another compartment, or even a general request for your expulsion from the vehicle altogether.  This may lead possibly to your enjoyment of an entire compartment to yourself; for, of course, you will point out that you cannot be expected to travel without your umbrella, which, after all, happens merely to be constructed on a newly-patented principle.

THE “HANSOM CAB FIEND."

This is easily overcome.  You have merely to employ an agent to purchase a second-hand steam-roller for you, put in a high-pressure boiler, and the thing is done.  With practice, you can easily get eight miles an hour out of one of these excellent machines, and you will find a general indifference as to the rule of the road, especially if you turn a corner or two at a stiff pace, act as a capital “road-clearer.”  Even the smartest butcher’s cart will do its best to get out of your way when it sees you coming.

THE “PIANO ORGAN, GERMAN BAND, AND GENERAL STREET MUSIC FIEND."

Get (your best way is through a friend at the Admiralty) several fog-horns rejected by the Department on account of their excessive and unbearable shrillness.  Whenever any sort of street music commences at either end of your street, turn on, by an apparatus specially arranged in your area, the full force of the above.  This will not only overpower your would-be tormentors, but bring every householder in the neighbourhood to his street-door begging you to desist.  You have merely to say, “When they stop, I turn off,” to get them to comprehend the situation.  It may possibly lead to the intervention of the police, probably in some force; but the net result will be that you will, for that morning, at least, enjoy a quiet street.

There are other London fiends removable by various measures, concerning which much might be said if they were not actionable.

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[Illustration:  PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN “BREAKING IN” HIS SHOOTING-BOOTS.]

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“GRATITUDE—­A SENSE OF FAVOURS TO COME.”—­Mr. SWINBURNE unexpectedly says a good word for the much be-mocked BOWDLER.  “No man (he says), ever did better service to SHAKSPEARE than the man who made it possible to put him into the hands of intelligent and imaginative children.”  Can Mr. SWINBURNE be “proticipating” the period when another BOWDLER may be called upon to do a similar “service” for the author of Poems and Ballads?

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[Illustration:  FRENCH AND ENGLISH.

(As zey are Spoke at ze Country ’Ouse.)

Hostess.  “OH—­ER—­J’ESPAIR KER VOOS AVVY TROOVY VOTRE—­VOTRE—­ER—­ER—­VOTRE COLLAR STUD, BARRONG?”