O learned Maecenas, if you believe old Gratinus, no verses which are written by water-drinkers can please, or be long-lived.  Ever since Bacchus enlisted the brain-sick poets among the Satyrs and the Fauns, the sweet muses have usually smelt of wine in the morning.  Homer, by his excessive praises of wine, is convicted as a booser:  father Ennius himself never sallied forth to sing of arms, unless in drink.  “I will condemn the sober to the bar and the prater’s bench, and deprive the abstemious of the power of singing.”

As soon as he gave out this edict, the poets did not cease to contend in midnight cups, and to smell of them by day.  What! if any savage, by a stern countenance and bare feet, and the texture of a scanty gown, should imitate Cato; will he represent the virtue and morals of Cato?  The tongue that imitated Timagenes was the destruction of the Moor, while he affected to be humorous, and attempted to seem eloquent.  The example that is imitable in its faults, deceives [the ignorant].  Soh! if I was to grow up pale by accident, [these poetasters] would drink the blood-thinning cumin.  O ye imitators, ye servile herd, how often your bustlings have stirred my bile, how often my mirth!

I was the original, who set my free footsteps upon the vacant sod; I trod not in the steps of others.  He who depends upon himself, as leader, commands the swarm.  I first showed to Italy the Parian iambics:  following the numbers and spirit of Archilochus, but not his subject and style, which afflicted Lycambes.  You must not, however, crown me with a more sparing wreath, because I was afraid to alter the measure and structure of his verse:  for the manly Sappho governs her muse by the measures of Archilochus, so does Alcaeus; but differing from him in the materials and disposition [of his lines], neither does he seek for a father-in-law whom he may defame with his fatal lampoons, nor does he tie a rope for his betrothed spouse in scandalous verse.  Him too, never celebrated by any other tongue, I the Roman lyrist first made known.  It delights me, as I bring out new productions, to be perused by the eyes, and held in the hands of the ingenuous.

Would you know why the ungrateful reader extols and is fond of many works at home, unjustly decries them without doors?  I hunt not after the applause of the inconstant vulgar, at the expense of entertainments, and for the bribe of a worn-out colt:  I am not an auditor of noble writers, nor a vindictive reciter, nor condescend to court the tribes and desks of the grammarians.  Hence are these tears.  If I say that “I am ashamed to repeat my worthless writings to crowded theatres, and give an air of consequence to trifles:”  “You ridicule us,” says [one of them], “and you reserve those pieces for the ears of Jove:  you are confident that it is you alone that can distill the poetic honey, beautiful in your own eyes.”  At these words I am afraid to turn up my nose; and lest I should be torn by the acute nails of my adversary, “This place is disagreeable,” I cry out, “and I demand a prorogation of the contest.”  For contest is wont to beget trembling emulation and strife, and strife cruel enmities and funereal war.