“I don’t know why,” said Anna, kissing her and hiding her tears.

“You understood me, and you understand.  Good-bye, my darling!”

Chapter 29

“Come, it’s all over, and thank God!” was the first thought that came to Anna Arkadyevna, when she had said good-bye for the last time to her brother, who had stood blocking up the entrance to the carriage till the third bell rang.  She sat down on her lounge beside Annushka, and looked about her in the twilight of the sleeping-carriage.  “Thank God! tomorrow I shall see Seryozha and Alexey Alexandrovitch, and my life will go on in the old way, all nice and as usual.”

Still in the same anxious frame of mind, as she had been all that day, Anna took pleasure in arranging herself for the journey with great care.  With her little deft hands she opened and shut her little red bag, took out a cushion, laid it on her knees, and carefully wrapping up her feet, settled herself comfortably.  An invalid lady had already lain down to sleep.  Two other ladies began talking to Anna, and a stout elderly lady tucked up her feet, and made observations about the heating of the train.  Anna answered a few words, but not foreseeing any entertainment from the conversation, she asked Annushka to get a lamp, hooked it onto the arm of her seat, and took from her bag a paper knife and an English novel.  At first her reading made no progress.  The fuss and bustle were disturbing; then when the train had started, she could not help listening to the noises; then the snow beating on the left window and sticking to the pane, and the sight of the muffled guard passing by, covered with snow on one side, and the conversations about the terrible snowstorm raging outside, distracted her attention.  Farther on, it was continually the same again and again:  the same shaking and rattling, the same snow on the window, the same rapid transitions from steaming heat to cold, and back again to heat, the same passing glimpses of the same figures in the twilight, and the same voices, and Anna began to read and to understand what she read.  Annushka was already dozing, the red bag on her lap, clutched by her broad hands, in gloves, of which one was torn.  Anna Arkadyevna read and understood, but it was distasteful to her to read, that is, to follow the reflection of other people’s lives.  She had too great a desire to live herself.  If she read that the heroine of the novel was nursing a sick man, she longed to move with noiseless steps about the room of a sick man; if she read of a member of Parliament making a speech, she longed to be delivering the speech; if she read of how Lady Mary had ridden after the hounds, and had provoked her sister-in-law, and had surprised everyone by her boldness, she too wished to be doing the same.  But there was no chance of doing anything; and twisting the smooth paper knife in her little hands, she forced herself to read.