every reason to expect to see me very soon again,
and I had inwardly resolved never to see her again
if I could help it. I did keep away, and then
luck would have it that I met her taking a walk one
snowy afternoon. I suspected she had come out
to get away from the remembrance of me, as I had to
get away from the desire to see her; and she was so
moved by seeing me that I could not help showing her
that I cared for her, and perhaps seemed to care more
than I did. It was a sore temptation, and I yielded
to it. Wrong? Do you think I don’t
know that it was wrong? But the worst is to come.
I walked back with her, and an accident led to our
having one of those conversations that people have
when they are under the influence of emotion and cannot
give it vent in its natural way, but must do something
or talk. If I could have put my arms about her
and kissed her, we could have got on without words:
as it was, I said I hardly know what, and she, being
very much in earnest and very unsophisticated, showed
me how much she cared for me. I vow, George,
if I had had a moment to think, to gather my self-control—But
I had not, and so we ended by my finding her arms
round my neck, after all. I rushed away with hardly
a word, and walked and walked, and thought and thought.
The next day comes a note from her—what
one would call a manly, straightforward acknowledgment
that she had led me into a position that was an unfair
one, and that she regretted it. Nothing franker
or more generous could have been conceived, but somehow
it roused within me the impulse to make her conscious
of the weakness of her sex. My masculine conceit
rose and demanded an opportunity of self-assertion.
I went to her, and she seemed more attractive than
ever. Her independence and self-reliance nettled
me, and I was mean enough to yield to the desire to
see if she could resist me. But I was richly punished,
for the knowledge rolled over me like a wave that
she loved me, and I left her, stung by the consciousness
of having taken an unworthy advantage of a simple
and trustful nature. I know that this is high
tragedy, and will meet with your displeasure.
I can hear you say, “Confound you, Harry! why
don’t you marry her?”
Very easy to say; but look at the situation, which
is not so simple as you probably think. Of course
any girl of my own class would never build an edifice
of eternal and sacred happiness on such a foundation
as a few warm looks and eloquent words, or even a caress,
might furnish. In plain words, neither she nor
I would think marriage a necessary or even likely
sequence to such a preamble. But it is different
with Miss Linton. I am sure, I am confident—laugh
if you like—that she has never given any
man what she has given me, either in degree or kind.
Her eccentric notions about women’s nature and
position would protect her from tampering with her
own feelings or those of another; and then, too, there
has been so much hard reality, so much serious business,