“Here comes the Duc de H——.  Don’t jump out of the carriage.”  My aunt looked at me sternly.  This evening I asked myself if I really did love the Duc, or if it was imagination.  I have thought of him so much that I fancy things which do not exist—­I might marry somebody else.  I imagine myself the wife of another.  He speaks to me.  Oh! no, no!  I should die of horror!  All other men disgust me.  In the street, at the theatre, I can endure them, but to imagine that a man may kiss my hand drives me wild!

I don’t express myself well, I never know how to explain myself, but I understand my own feelings.

To-night we are going to the theatre.  This is Paris!  I can’t believe that I am here.  This is the city from which all the books are taken.  All the books are about Paris, its salons, its theatres, it is the perfection of everything.

At last I have found what I have desired without knowing it.  To live is Paris—­Paris means to live!

I was tormenting myself because I did not know what I wanted.  Now I see it before me.  I know what I want.  To move from Nice to Paris.  To have an apartment, furnish it, have horses as we do in Nice.  To go into society through the Russian ambassador.  That, that is what I want.

How happy we are when we know what we want!  But an idea has come to me—­I believe I am ugly.  It is frightful!

To-day is the first time we have seen the Bois, the Jardin d’Acclimatation, and the Trocadero, from which we had a view of all Paris.  Really, I have never in my life beheld anything so beautiful as the Bois de Boulogne.  It is not a wild beauty, but it is elegant, sumptuous.

Since Toulon, I have been the prey of a great sorrow.  All places are indifferent to me, except Paris, which I adore, and Nice.

At last!  We have reached this spot.  Princess G——­and W——­ met us.

Mamma was not there.  We asked for her and were told that she was a little indisposed.  The truth is that she fell out of bed and hurt her leg.  We arrived.  I made her sit in the dining-room.  An arrival is always confused.  People talk and answer, all speaking at once.

During my absence a little negro boy was engaged, who will go out with the carriage.  I cannot look through the window.  I can’t bear this pale foliage, this red earth, this heavy atmosphere!  So Mamma said that we will stay in Paris!  Heaven be praised!

We were summoned to dinner, but first I arranged my room.  Then I went back to the drawing-room, where Mamma was lying.  We talked and laughed, I told what I had seen, in short, we discussed everything.  I fear Mamma will be seriously ill.  I shall pray to God for her.  I am glad to be back in my chamber, it is pretty.  To-morrow I mean to have my bed all in white.  That will be lovely.

I regard Nice as an exile.  I intend to occupy myself specially in arranging the days and hours of tutors.