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[Illustration:  Jan (repeating the Question for the tenth time in two hours). “’AST SEEN OLD FURRIT THAT SOIDE, JARGE?”

Jarge (answering the question for the tenth time in two hours).  “NOA.  AIN’T YOU SEEN UN YOUR SOIDE?”

Jan.  “NOA.  DIDST PUT UN IN THY SOIDE?”

Jarge.  “NOA.  DID THEE NOT PUT UN IN THAT SOIDE?”

Jan.  “NOA.”

Jarge.  “THEN I RECKON HE MUN BE IN THA BOX.”]

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CHOKING THEM OFF.

It is reported that, should the measures recently adopted by the railway companies with a view to “discourage unnecessary travelling” prove insufficient, other expedients, of a more stringent character, may be resorted to.  By the courtesy of an official we are able to give details of some further innovations that have been suggested.

(I.) The Platform Staff at the chief stations will be specially trained to answer all enquiries from civilian passengers in an ambiguous or quasi-humorous manner.

Thus detailed instructions are to be issued giving the correct form of reply to such questions as, “Can I take this train to Rugby?” The answer in this case will convey a jocular suggestion that the task is best left to the engine-driver; and others in the same style.

In all cases of urgency the formula “Wait and see” to be freely employed for purposes of discouragement.

(II.) In the case of exceptionally popular tickets, such as those to Brighton, a strictly limited number of impressions to be struck off, which will be disposed of by public auction to the highest bidder.

(III.) When stoppages (whether necessary or disciplinary) take place between stations, preference to be given to the interior of tunnels.  All artificial light will then be cut off, and the officials of the train will run up and down the corridors howling like wolves.

(IV.) On hearing the declaration of any would-be traveller (as “Margate”) it shall be optional for the booking-clerk to reply, “I double Margate”; when his opponent, the public, must either pay twice the already increased fare or forfeit the journey.

(V.) The quality of buns, pastry and sandwiches at the station refreshment-rooms to be drastically revised.  A return to be made to the more “discouraging” models of fifty years ago, which will be specially manufactured under the supervision of the Ministry of Munitions.

(VI.) All the too-attractive photographs of agreeable places on the company’s service at present exhibited in the compartments to be removed, and in place of them the frames to be filled with such chastening subjects as “Marine Drive at Slushboro’ on a Wet Evening,” “No Bathing To-day” (Bude), or “Fac-simile of a typical week-end bill at the Hotel Superb, Shrimpville.”  It is felt that if this last item does not cause people to stop at home nothing will.