I am of antiquated design, as invisible as Colonel HOUSE and nearly as
      useless as Senator WORKS,
  But as my master only works me with one thumb
  (For fear of saying something that might have to be explained away)
  I do very nicely. 
  And when it comes to throwing the bull
  I am the real Peruvian doughnuts.

  I was new once, but obscure,
  Wasting my freshness on a Life of Jefferson (extinct)
  And a History of the United States,
  Which by the kindness of the Democratic party and the MCCLURE Syndicate
  Is now appearing in dignified segments on the back page of provincial
      newspapers
  Along with Dainty Diapers and Why I Love the Movies, by MARY
  PICKFORD.

  I am the Defender of Liberties! 
  Never have I hesitated to tell Germany not to do it again;
  Never have I failed to protest in the severest terms when the British
      Navy threatened to interfere with business. 
  Next to Mr. LANSING,
  Who is said to use a Blickensderfer,
  I am the hottest little protester in Protestville,
  And in consequence nobody loves me,
  Neither REVENTLOW nor GEORGE SYLVESTER VIERECK nor WILLIAM RANDOLPH
      HEARST;
  Nor even The Spectator,
  Which never did like Democrats, anyway.

  But now I am the Harbinger of Peace
  By special request. 
  Imperial Germany,
  Sated with victory and a shortage of boiled potatoes,
  Implores me to save the Entente Powers from utter annihilation,
  And the prayer is echoed
  By Sir EDGAR SPEYER and the other neutrals. 
  So my keys tap out the glad message
  Of friendship for all and trouble for none.

  I ask them what they are fighting about,
  And if it is really true that Belgium has been invaded,
  And propose that we should all get together and talk it over
  Nice and quietly over tea and muffins
  And away from all the nasty blood and noise.

  Thus I address them,
  And humane Germany
  Almost falls on my neck in her anxiety to comply with my request;
  But the stiff-necked Entente,
  With an old-fashioned obstinacy reminiscent of the LINCOLN person at his
       worst,
  Merely utter joint and several sentiments
  The substance and effect of which appear to be
  “Nix!”

ALGOL.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Bill (coming to after a shell has hit his dug-out).  “HAVE I BEEN LONG UNCONSCIOUS, WILLIAM?”

William.  “OH, A GOODISH BIT, BILL.”

Bill.  “WHAT DO YOU CALL A ‘GOODISH BIT,’ WILLIAM?”

William.  “WELL, A LONGISH TIME, BILL.”

Bill.  “WELL, WHAT’S THAT WHITE ON THE HILL?  IS IT SNOW OR DAISIES?”]

* * * * *

THE ONLY REGRET.

ONCE UPON A TIME.