Alcar.  I assure you, Lady Alice Rowfant has not been here.

Janet.  Honest?

Alcar.  No.  The mere mention of her name was sufficient.

Janet.  That’s even worse! (Rushing across to carve and pettishly seizing his necktie.  Carve submits.) Here!  Let me do it—­for goodness sake!  Great clumsy! (Still tearful—­to lord Leonard Alcar as she ties the necktie.) Somehow I don’t mind crying in front of you, because you’re so nice and fatherly.

Alcar.  Well, if I’m so fatherly, may I venture on a little advice to you two? (To carve.) You said you didn’t want to be Ilam Carve.  Don’t be Ilam Carve.  Let Ilam Carve continue his theoretical repose in the Abbey and you continue to be somebody else.  It will save a vast amount of trouble, and nobody will be a penny the worse.  Leave England—­unobtrusively.  If you feel homesick, arrange to come back during a general election, and you will be absolutely unnoticed.  You have money.  If you need more, I can dispose of as many new pictures as you like to send.

Janet.  I don’t want him to paint any more pictures.

Alcar.  But he will.

Janet.  I suppose he will.  Why is it?  As if we hadn’t had enough bother already through this art business!

Alcar.  Yes.  But artists are like that, you know.

Janet. (Affectionately reproachful to carve.) Child!  Look how nicely
I’ve tied it for you. (Shakes him.) Whatever are you dreaming about?

Carve. (After glancing in mirror reflectively.) There’s only one question.  Last time they buried me in the Abbey,—­what will they do with me next time?

CURTAIN.

  Works by Arnold Bennett

  Novels

  A man from the North
  Anna of the five towns
  Leonora
  A great man
  sacred and profane love
  whom god hath joined
  buried alive
  the old wives’ tale
  the Glimpse
  Helen with the high hand
  CLAYHANGER
  the card
  Hilda LESSWAYS

  FANTASIAS

  The grand Babylon hotel
  the Gates of wrath
  Teresa of Watling street
  the loot of cities
  Hugo
  the ghost
  the City of pleasure

  Short stories

  Tales of the five towns
  the grim smile of the five towns
  the Matador of the five towns

  Belles-LETTRES

  Journalism for women
  fame and fiction
  how to become an author
  the truth about an author
  the reasonable life
  how to live on twenty-four hours A day
  the human machine
  literary taste
  the Feast of st. Friend
  those United states

  Drama

  Polite farces
  Cupid and Common sense
  what the public wants
  the honeymoon