Carve. (Lightly.) I’m hanged if I do!

Alcar.  But, my dear Mr. X!

Carve. (Lightly.) I’m dashed if I take my collar off.

Cyrus. (Triumphant.) Ha!  I knew it.

Carve.  Why should I offer my skin to the inspection of two individuals in whom I haven’t the slightest interest?  They’ve quarrelled about me, but is that a reason why I should undress myself?  Let me say again, I’ve no desire whatever to prove that I am Ilam Carve.

Alcar.  But surely to oblige us immensely, Mr. X, you will consent to give just one extra performance of an operation which, in fact, you accomplish three hundred and sixty-five times every year without any disastrous results.

Carve.  I don’t look at it like that.  Already my fellow-citizens, expressing their conviction that I was a great artist, have buried me in Westminster Abbey—­not because I was a great artist, but because I left a couple of hundred thousand pounds for a public object.  And now my fellow-citizens, here assembled, want me to convince them that I am a great artist by taking my collar off.  I won’t do it.  I simply will not do it.  It’s too English.  If any person wishes to be convinced that I’m an artist and not a mountebank, let him look at my work (pointing vaguely to a picture), because that’s all the proof that I mean to offer.  If he is blind or shortsighted I regret it, but my neck isn’t going to help him.

Texel.  Brilliant!  Then we shall have the trial after all.

Cyrus.  Yes, but your brilliant friend will be on his way to South
America before then.

Janet. (Sweetly to Cyrus.) I assure you it’s quite true about those moles.  That’s why he wears those collars.

Cyrus. (Grimly.) No doubt.... (Repeating.) Nevertheless he’ll be on his way to South America.

Carve. (Gaily.) Or Timbuctoo.

Cyrus. (Significantly.) Unless you’re stopped.

Carve.  And who’s going to stop me?  All the laws of this country added together can’t make me take my collar off if I don’t want to.

Cyrus.  What about arresting you for bigamy?  What about Holloway?  I fancy at Holloway they have a short method with people who won’t take their collars off.

Carve.  Well, that will only be another proof that the name of this island is England.  It will be telegraphed to the Continent that in order to prove to herself that she possessed a great artist, England had to arrest him for bigamy and shove him into prison....  Characteristic!  Characteristic!

Alcar. (Who has moved across to Janet.) Mrs. X, can you—­

Janet. (Rising to carve, winningly.) Now—­Ilam.  You’re only laying up trouble for yourself, and for me too.  Do please think of the trial.  You know how shy you are, and how you tremble at the mere thought of a witness-box.