again.  My relations with G. were purely animal, for I disliked his jealous disposition, his horse-laugh, his features, his form, his withdrawn scrotum and his undersized penis.  At home in the evening I often found myself inflamed with a mental picture of active fellatio with him, but I never performed this act, so far as I remember.

    One of my great sexual desires was to walk along a fence on which
    a girl was seated.  In order that I might feast my eyes on her
    pudenda she must not wear drawers.

When I turned 14 I had been, from my unusual size, in long trousers for several months.  I entered a private day-school and progressed brilliantly in my studies.  I kept up masturbation almost daily, sometimes twice a day, both in the water closet and in bed.  I can remember ejaculating before urination in the school cabinet.  At night I often found myself longing for the return of my sister, seven years my junior, in order that I might embrace her in bed and fondle her genitals.  I had done these things during my Christmas vacation of the year before.  I mildly reproached myself for such incestuous desires, but they recurred continually.  I dreamed little.  And I cannot remember the character of my dreams.  My waking libido spent itself mostly in longings to embrace (without lustful acts) the forms of little boys of exquisite blonde beauty and thick hair.  Narcissism may have been present, for in my twelfth year I had been told that at the age of 5 and 6 I was an extraordinarily beautiful little creature with long, lint-white hair.  The preferable age was from 6 to 9.  My eye was alert on the streets for boys answering to this description, and a street boy with long, white hair so won my passion that I followed him to his home and asked his mother if he might call on me and “play some games.”  As I did not even know the boy’s name and had never seen him before, I was wonderingly refused.  I sought in vain to find the whereabouts of another long-haired street boy whom I burned to embrace and load with benefits.  I had a boundless desire for such a boy as this to idolize me—­to look into my face out of big eyes and lose himself in love for me—­to call me by endearing pet names—­of his own accord to throw his arms around my neck.  This second actual boy disappeared from my horizon by presumably moving away from the vast city neighborhood.  I took a fancy to a small boy at school, who possessed the requisite delicacy, timidity, and sweetness, if not the physical requisites, of my beau ideal.  I walked with him in the park and planned to have him at the house; but the matter was not arranged.  At boarding-school I had associated much with younger and weaker boys, and had been ridiculed much for my cowardice in sports, but at the city school I moved with my equals and won their recognition.  Our gymnasium director was middle-aged and of an indolent disposition.  He liked to recall his