to see an unusually well-formed young fellow enter
a house of assignation with a common woman of
the streets. The sight filled me with the
keenest anguish, and the thought that his beauty
would soon be at the disposal of a prostitute made
me feel as if I were a powerless and unhappy witness
to a sacrilege. It may be that my rage for
male loveliness is only another outbreaking of
the old Platonic mania, for as time goes on I find
that I long less for the actual youth before me,
and more and more for some ideal, perfect being
whose bodily splendor and loving heart are the
realities whose reflections only we see in this
cave of shadows. Since the birth and development
within me of what, for lack of a better name,
I term my homosexualized Patmorean ideal, life
has become, in the main, a weary business. I
am not despondent, however, because many things still
hold for me a certain interest. When that
interest dies down, as it is wont from time to
time, I endeavor to be patient. God grant that,
after the end here, I may be drawn from
the shadow, and seemingly vain imaginings into
the possession of their never-ending reality hereafter.”
HISTORY X.—A.H., aged 62. Belongs to a family which cannot be regarded as healthy, but there is no insanity among near relations. Father a very virile man of high character and good intelligence, but not sound physical health. Mother was high-strung and nervous, but possessed of indomitable courage and very affectionate; she lived very happily with her husband. She became a chronic invalid and died of consumption. A.H. was a seven months’ child, the third in the family, who were born very rapidly, so that there is only three years difference in the ages of the first and third children. A.H. believes that one of his brothers, who has never married and prefers men to women, is also inverted, though not to the same degree as himself, and he also suspects that a relation of his mother’s may have been an invert. Sister, who resembles the father in character, is married, but is spoken of as a woman’s woman rather than a man’s woman. The family generally are considered proud and reserved, but of superior mental endowment.
In early life A.H. was delicate and his studies were often interrupted by illness. Though living under happy conditions he was shy and nervous, often depressed. In later life his health has been up to the average, and he has usually been able to conceal his mental doubts and diffidence.
As a child he played with dolls and made girls his companions until an age when he grew conscious that his conduct was unusual and became ashamed, while his father seemed troubled about him. He regards himself as having been a very childish child.
His conscious sexual life began between the ages of 8 and 10. He was playing in the garden when he saw a manservant who had long been with the family, standing at the door of a shed with