active, I never allowed myself to have any dealings with him; and I think I should have discouraged them had they been suggested to me.  That is the odd thing about my life:  the things I longed intensely to do I would not let myself do, not from any religious or moral scruple, but from some inexplicable fastidiousness or scrupulosity which is yet as active as ever, although I am sure that it would not be able to hold its own could these favorable conditions be repeated, but would be overcome by the imperious and fully grown desires which, by long repression, or by unsatisfactory diversion, have grown to be so strong.  Indeed, given the opportunity, and the assurance that no first seduction or corruption of anyone was in question, they would prove quite irrepressible.

“Certainly, long before puberty—­which was early with me—­I remember being greatly attracted to certain boys, and wishing to have an opportunity of sleeping with them.  Had I been able to do so, I am sure I should have been impelled to get into as close contact with their naked body as possible, and I do not think I should then have craved for anything more.  I knew some boys—­perhaps a little older—­who even then had relations, which were certainly not innocent, with a girl who was a year or two older than any of us.  She once kissed me, to my intense shame.  But I felt that these relations would have been unspeakably disgusting and I took no particular interest in hearing about them.  I remember being fondled and caressed by a very good-looking boy of 16 when I was three or four years younger and had sustained some hurt at play; and I am still able to recall the thrill of delight that I experienced at his touch.  Nothing took place that all the world might not have seen, but I remember being taken between his knees as he sat, and his arms being put around my neck, and the warm, soft pressure of his thighs had an unspeakable effect on me.

“About this time, too, an older boy, perhaps about 18, used to get hold of smaller boys when on country walks, to throw them down and then look at and toy with their genitals.  He was himself a handsome boy, and I was greatly excited when told about this by boys who had experienced it, and wished greatly to have it done to me.  It never was; and if it had been attempted I know I should have resisted with all my strength, although my desires would have set me aflame.  This boy died before he was 20, with a psoas abscess, and I remember crying myself to sleep the night I learned of his death.  Another boy, about three years older than myself, who had very silky hair, I used to be attracted by and I was always trying to stroke his hair, but he always objected.

“I must have been about 12 when I first was taught to masturbate by a cousin who was slightly older.  At first I thought it silly, but I used to watch him at it, and practised it myself from time to time until I became old enough