in fact and imagination—­was to me so highly individual that I had no notion anything kindred to it could exist outside of my own experience.  I had no notion of sex as the basis of life.  Even when I came gradually to realize that men and women were formed in a way that argued connection with each other, I still believed it to be a dissolute sort of conduct, not to be indulged in by those who had claims to respectability.

“I had, however, by this time arrived at a strong attraction toward the organs of generation and all aspects of puberty, and my imagination spent Itself in a fantastic worship of every sign of masculinity.  My enjoyment now was to imagine myself forced to undergo physical humiliation and submission to the caprice of my male captors, and the central fact became the discharge of urine from my lover over my body and limbs, or, if I were very fond of him, I let it be in my face.  This was followed usually by a half-caressing castigation, in which the hand only was instrumental.

“The period of which I am now writing was that of my entry into school life.  My imaginary lovers immediately became numerous; all the masters and all the boys above a certain age attracted me; for two I had in addition a feeling of romantic as well as physical attachment.  Indeed, from this time onward I was never without some heroes toward whom I indulged a perfectly separate and tenderly ideal passion.  The announcement that one was about to leave surprised me into a passionate fit of weeping; yet my reserve was so great and my sense of isolation so crushing that I made no effort at intimacy, and to one for whom I felt inexhaustible devotion I barely spoke for the first three years, though meeting him daily.  At this time the subjects of my contemplation had distinctly individualized methods of approach.  Thus in one case I imagined we stood face to face in our night-gear; suddenly mine was stripped from me; I was seized and forcibly thrust under his and made to hang with my feet off the ground by my full weight on the erect organ which inserted itself between my thighs; so suspended—­my body enveloped in the folds of his linen and my face pressed upon his heart—­I underwent a castigation which continued until I was thrown down to receive a discharge of urine over my prostrate body.  Such images seemed to come independently of my will.

“It was at this time that I found a large pleasure in imagining contact with people whom I disliked; the prevailing note of these intimacies was always cruelty, to which I submitted with acute relish.  I discovered, however, from the ordinary school experiences of corporal punishment, that it had no charm to me when administered for school offenses, even from the hands under which at other times I imagined myself as delighting to receive pain.  The necessary link was lacking; had I perceived on the part of my judge any liking for the operation, there would probably have been a response on my