with little or no result.  From that day I hated the groom and I felt a sort of guilt, as if I had ’lost something.’  Not till I was 12 years did I understand.

“From my earliest childhood I had one ideal of a man.  From that ideal I have never swerved.  At the age of 30 I found a friend who, though quite heterosexual, has, without giving me any sexual intercourse, given me the love I have always needed.  He has been for the last couple of years a second mother, father, sister, brother, and lover.  Through him I have regained my health, my love of nature, and he has helped to deaden my hatred toward human nature and my bitterness.  A better friend I never wish to find.  It has made up for all the years of mental and physical suffering.  One strange thing is that the feeling is mutual.  He has had a tragic life, for his wife, whom he loved beyond everything, died under very sad circumstances.  He says I am the best male friend he has ever had.  While with him, much of the lower nature in me was stamped out.  I shall always look upon him as the turning point in my life.  I think he wrought some of his finest influence through his music.  He played Beethoven and Wagner for me for a couple of hours every day for months, and thus opened up a new world to me....  He is six years older than I am.

“At 10 years of age we moved to Sweden, a country I hated from first to last.  About this time I began to notice that there was something strange about myself.  I felt myself an alien, and have done so ever since.  An event of importance in my life was, I feel sure, when my father’s sister tried to take away my mother’s character.  It was done in jealousy and spite, and my aunt had to beg my parents’ pardon.  Outwardly the affair was patched up; but I feel sure my father never really forgave his sister.  Jews never forgive.

    “This event awoke in me a great hatred toward women, and it was
    many years before I could at all control it.

“At the age of 14 I was much with a good-looking, musical American, a year older than myself.  One day, while romping, very much the same thing occurred as with the groom.  I still had no sexual feelings.  We remained good friends.  I often wished to kiss him.  After the first time he would not allow it.  He was very much liked among the officers and so-called high society men, and had always much money.  About ten years later I heard he used to accept money after intimate intercourse with those society men.

    “During my fifteenth year I had great longing for sexual
    intercourse with men.  At this time the first signs of hair were
    to be seen on my abdomen.