“Some two years later I heard of sexual practices between women as a frequent habit in certain quarters.  I again interested myself in masturbation, for I had been told something that led me to believe that there was much more for me to discover.  Not knowing the most elementary physiology, I questioned some of my friends, and then commenced again.  I restricted myself to relief from local congestion and irritation by calling forth the emission of mucus, rather than by seeking pleasure.  At the same time, I sought to discover what manipulation of the clitoris would lead to.  The habit grew upon me with startling rapidity, and I became more or less its slave, but I suffered from no very great ill effects until I started in search of more discoveries.  I found that I was a complete ignoramus as to the formation of a woman’s body, and by experiments upon myself sought to discover the vagina.  I continued my operations until I obtained an entrance.  I think the rough handling of myself during this final stage disturbed my nervous system, and caused me considerable pain and exhaustion at the back of my head, the spinal column, the back of my eyes, and a general feeling of languor, etc.

“I could not bear to be the slave of a habit, and after much suffering and efforts, which only led to falls to lower depths of conscious failure, my better self rebelled, until, by a great effort and much prayer, I kept myself pure for a whole week.  This partial recovery gave me hope, but then I again fell a victim to the habit, much to my chagrin, and became hopeless of ever retracing my steps toward my ideal of virtue.  For some days I lost energy, spirit, and hope; my nervous system appeared to be ruined, but I did not really despair of victory in the end.  I thought of all the drunkards chained by their intemperate habits, of inveterate smokers who could not exist without tobacco, and of all the various methods by which men were slaves, and the longing to be freed of what had, in my case, proved to be a painful and unnecessary habit, increased daily until, after one night when I struggled with myself for hours, I believed I had finally succeeded.

“At times, when I reached a high degree of sexual excitement, I felt that I was at least one step removed from those of morbid and repressed sex, who had not the slightest suspicion of the latent joys of womanhood within them.  For a little while the habit took the shape of an exalted passion, but I rapidly tired it out by rough, thoughtless, and too impatient handling.  Revulsion set in with the pain of an exhausted and badly used nervous system, and finding myself the slave of a passion, I determined to endeavor to be its master.

    “In conclusion, I should say that masturbation has proved itself
    to be to me one of the blind turnings of my life’s history, from
    which I have gained much valuable experience.”