enjoys bringing BUMBLE to book,
  As the Times—­I’m serprised at that paper!—­most pleasantly puts it
      to-day. 
  My friend BONES the Butcher too!  Moses! wot would my old parlour-chum
      say
  If he saw me a nailing a Notice—­but no, that’s too horrid a dream. 
  I must be a ’aving a Nightmare, and things cannot be wot they seem. 
  I could do with mere Laws—­bye or hother-wise—­Hacts, jest like Honours,
      is easy,
  But this Memyrandum of RITCHIE’s queers BUMBLE, and makes him feel queasy,
  Can’t pertend as I don’t hunderstand it, it’s plain as my nose, clear as
      mud.
  I’m responsible for—­say Snow-clearing!  It stirs up a Beadle’s best
      blood! 
  And when they can Fine me for negligence, jest like some rate-paying
      scrub—­
  Oh!  Porochial dignity’s bust!  I must seek a pick-up at my Pub!

[Does so.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  A MODEST REQUEST.

“I HEAR YOU’RE SO CLEVER ABOUT ZENANA WORK.  WILL YOU SHOW ME THE STITCH?”]

* * * * *

“FIRST-CLASS” TRAVELLING

MADE EASY, BY PAYING A “THIRD-CLASS” FARE AND A SMALL ADDITIONAL TIP.

(BY ONE WHO HAS DONE IT.)

1.  Arrive at station in four-wheeler, accompanied by lots of superfluous rugs, wraps, air-cushions, and pillows, &c., and if your domestic arrangements permit of it, two young ladies and one middle-aged one, who should assume an anxious and sympathetic mien.

2.  On your cab drawing up, stay with a gentle forbearance the rush of the ordinary attentive porter, and request him, as if you had something important to communicate, to send you “the guard of the train” by which you propose to travel.  On the appearance of this official, who will not fail to turn up, you will now appeal to one of your three female assistants, the middle-aged one for choice.  Placing your case, as it were, in her hands, she will, in a half-sympathetic, half-commanding tone, address the official somewhat as follows:—­“This gentleman, who is travelling to Barminster, and is going third-class (she makes a point of this), is, as you see, a great invalid, and he will require (this with a certain sense of being understood to mean a handsome tip) a carriage to himself.”  If said with a certain self-assurance, involving a species of lofty wink, this will probably be understood in the right sense by the official in question, and will be probably met by some such assurance as—­“The train is very full, Madam, but I will do my best for the gentleman, and can ensure him, I think, a compartment to himself, at least, as far as Bolchester, where I leave the train.  But I will explain the matter to my successor, and I have no doubt that he will be able (this also with a significant wink) to ensure the gentleman’s seclusion.  You are, I think, four?  If you will follow me, and take my arm, Sir, I think we shall be able to manage it for you.”