I was profoundly moved.  I said:  “My son, bring the old party round.  I have got some jokes in that lecture that will make him laugh if there is any laugh in him; and, if they miss fire, I have got some others that will make him cry or kill him, one or the other.”  Then the young man blessed me, and wept on my neck, and went after his uncle.  He placed him in full view, in the second row of benches that night, and I began on him.  I tried him with mild jokes, then with severe ones; I dosed him with bad jokes, and riddled him with good ones; I fired old, stale jokes into him, and peppered him fore and aft with red-hot new ones; I warmed up to my work, and assaulted him on the right and left, in front and behind; I fumed and sweated and charged and ranted till I was hoarse and sick, and frantic and furious; but I never moved him once—­I never started a smile or a tear!  Never a ghost of a smile, and never a suspicion of moisture!  I was astounded.  I closed the lecture at last with one despairing shriek—­with one wild burst of humour, and hurled a joke of supernatural atrocity full at him!

Then I sat down bewildered and exhausted.

The president of the society came up and bathed my head with cold water, and said:  “What made you carry on so towards the last?”

I said I was trying to make that confounded old fool laugh, in the second row.

And he said:  “Well, you were wasting your time, because he is deaf and dumb, and as blind as a badger!”

Now, was that any way for that old man’s nephew to impose on a stranger and orphan like me?  I simply ask you, as a man and a brother, if that was any way for him to do?

NEW-MADE HONOUR
[Sidenote:  Ingoldsby]

(Imitated from Martial)

  A Friend I met, some half hour since—­
    “Good-morning, Jack!” quoth I;
  The new-made Knight, like any Prince,
    Frowned, nodded, and passed by;
  When up came Jem—­"Sir John, your Slave!"
    “Ah, James; we dine at eight—­
  Fail not”—­(low bows the supple knave)—­
    “Don’t make my lady wait.” 
  The King can do no wrong?  As I’m a sinner,
  He’s spoilt an honest tradesman and my dinner.

FROM THE GREEK ANTHOLOGY

[Sidenote:  Anon.]

  With nose so long and mouth so wide,
  And those twelve grinders side by side,
  Dick, with a very little trial,
  Would make an excellent sun-dial.

[Sidenote:  Wellesley (altered)]

  Nicias, a doctor and musician,
  Lies under very foul suspicion. 
  He sings, and without any shame
    He murders all the finest music: 
  Does he prescribe? our fate’s the same,
    If he shall e’er find me or you sick.

[Sidenote:  Anon.]

  Now the Graces are four and the Venuses two,
    And ten is the number of Muses;
  For a Muse and a Grace and a Venus are you,
    My dear little Molly Trefusis.