“No, but I just asked you.”

Vassilyev closed his eyes and, as though offended, turned his face to the back of the sofa.

“I don’t understand your curiosity,” he muttered.  “You’ll be asking me next what it was drove me to commit suicide!”

Before a minute had passed, he turned round towards me again, opened his eyes and said in a tearful voice: 

“Excuse me for taking such a tone, but you’ll admit I’m right!  To ask a convict how he got into prison, or a suicide why he shot himself is not generous . . . and indelicate.  To think of gratifying idle curiosity at the expense of another man’s nerves!”

“There is no need to excite yourself. . . .  It never occurred to me to question you about your motives.”

“You would have asked. . . .  It’s what people always do.  Though it would be no use to ask.  If I told you, you would not believe or understand. . . .  I must own I don’t understand it myself. . . .  There are phrases used in the police reports and newspapers such as:  ‘unrequited love,’ and ‘hopeless poverty,’ but the reasons are not known. . . .  They are not known to me, nor to you, nor to your newspaper offices, where they have the impudence to write ’The diary of a suicide.’  God alone understands the state of a man’s soul when he takes his own life; but men know nothing about it.”

“That is all very nice,” I said, “but you oughtn’t to talk. . . .”

But my suicide could not be stopped, he leaned his head on his fist, and went on in the tone of some great professor: 

“Man will never understand the psychological subtleties of suicide!  How can one speak of reasons?  To-day the reason makes one snatch up a revolver, while to-morrow the same reason seems not worth a rotten egg.  It all depends most likely on the particular condition of the individual at the given moment. . . .  Take me for instance.  Half an hour ago, I had a passionate desire for death, now when the candle is lighted, and you are sitting by me, I don’t even think of the hour of death.  Explain that change if you can!  Am I better off, or has my wife risen from the dead?  Is it the influence of the light on me, or the presence of an outsider?”

“The light certainly has an influence . . .”  I muttered for the sake of saying something.  “The influence of light on the organism . . . .”

“The influence of light. . . .  We admit it!  But you know men do shoot themselves by candle-light!  And it would be ignominious indeed for the heroes of your novels if such a trifling thing as a candle were to change the course of the drama so abruptly.  All this nonsense can be explained perhaps, but not by us.  It’s useless to ask questions or give explanations of what one does not understand. . . .”

“Forgive me,” I said, “but . . . judging by the expression of your face, it seems to me that at this moment you . . . are posing.”

“Yes,” Vassilyev said, startled.  “It’s very possible!  I am naturally vain and fatuous.  Well, explain it, if you believe in your power of reading faces!  Half an hour ago I shot myself, and just now I am posing. . . .  Explain that if you can.”