“I’ve told you already—­go away.”

“As you know perfectly well, I have gone away five times, and every time I turned back on the way.  I can show you my through tickets —­I’ve kept them all.  I have not will enough to run away from you!  I am struggling.  I am struggling horribly; but what the devil am I good for if I have no backbone, if I am weak, cowardly!  I can’t struggle with Nature!  Do you understand?  I cannot!  I run away from here, and she holds on to me and pulls me back.  Contemptible, loathsome weakness!”

Ilyin flushed crimson, got up, and walked up and down by the seat.

“I feel as cross as a dog,” he muttered, clenching his fists.  “I hate and despise myself!  My God! like some depraved schoolboy, I am making love to another man’s wife, writing idiotic letters, degrading myself . . . ugh!”

Ilyin clutched at his head, grunted, and sat down.  “And then your insincerity!” he went on bitterly.  “If you do dislike my disgusting behaviour, why have you come here?  What drew you here?  In my letters I only ask you for a direct, definite answer—­yes or no; but instead of a direct answer, you contrive every day these ‘chance’ meetings with me and regale me with copy-book maxims!”

Madame Lubyantsev was frightened and flushed.  She suddenly felt the awkwardness which a decent woman feels when she is accidentally discovered undressed.

“You seem to suspect I am playing with you,” she muttered.  “I have always given you a direct answer, and . . . only today I’ve begged you . . .”

“Ough! as though one begged in such cases!  If you were to say straight out ‘Get away,’ I should have been gone long ago; but you’ve never said that.  You’ve never once given me a direct answer.  Strange indecision!  Yes, indeed; either you are playing with me, or else . . .”

Ilyin leaned his head on his fists without finishing.  Sofya Petrovna began going over in her own mind the way she had behaved from beginning to end.  She remembered that not only in her actions, but even in her secret thoughts, she had always been opposed to Ilyin’s love-making; but yet she felt there was a grain of truth in the lawyer’s words.  But not knowing exactly what the truth was, she could not find answers to make to Ilyin’s complaint, however hard she thought.  It was awkward to be silent, and, shrugging her shoulders, she said: 

So I am to blame, it appears.”

“I don’t blame you for your insincerity,” sighed Ilyin.  “I did not mean that when I spoke of it. . . .  Your insincerity is natural and in the order of things.  If people agreed together and suddenly became sincere, everything would go to the devil.”

Sofya Petrovna was in no mood for philosophical reflections, but she was glad of a chance to change the conversation, and asked: 

“But why?”

“Because only savage women and animals are sincere.  Once civilization has introduced a demand for such comforts as, for instance, feminine virtue, sincerity is out of place. . . .”