The Laissez-faire philosopher
  My enemies grew gross over;
  But now Economists toss over
    Their idol of old days. 
  They swear “Free Competition”
  Leads to Trade inanition: 
  That I’m a superstition,
    A cruel vampire craze.

  And now Big Wigs scholastic,
  To modern movements plastic,
  Would try reform most drastic
    Upon the School Exam. 
  The ways my nerves that jar on
  AUBERON HERBERT’s far on;
  E’en Dr. WARRE makes war on
    Dear old Competitive Cram!

  If pundits thus—­at breakfast—­
  Neologise, neck-and-neck, fast,
  My kingdom they will wreck fast! 
    The Army loves me not;
  Socialists whet their soul-edge
  Against me; now the College
  Swears that my road to knowledge
    Is simply—­Tommy rot.

  Revolt?  It’s most revolting!
  My road might yield some jolting,
  But boobies from it bolting
    Will probably get bogged,
  And, lost in some dim bye-way,
  Regret the well-paved highway
  Along which long in my way
    Contentedly they jogged.

* * * * *

OUR PARTICULAR TIP FOR THE DERBY.

(FURNISHED BY THE ODD MAN OUT.)

Looking through the List of Probable Starters (who are all coming on well, and might therefore be called, in the quaint turf Italian, “comeystarters"), I cannot help feeling that this year the Blue Riband of the Turf will fall to the flower of the flock—­as, indeed, it should.  But if it does not, why, there are other really sound horses that are sure to give a good account of themselves.  We may take it, that the winner will be out of the common.  As the glorious animal passes the post, the cheers will be so deafening, that there will be a universal cry, “This must be ordinance!” As the fun of the Derby of late times has seen some revival, the hero of the hour will, par excellence, be the doll, which, in spite of many rivals, has never ceased to be popular.  Not that the fun will be fast and furious—­not at all; the days of the Mohawks are over, and I am, therefore, in a position to declare, that the day when it is past and gone, will be appropriately called a dorcas meeting.  And this I can say with the less hesitation as I rely on the power of a deemster.  To everyone the occasion will be pleasant, both to wise men and persons of a simple sort; to adopt the words of the historical Pieman, “for this meeting fits Simon.”  And here let me remark, that I am an enthusiastic admirer of the perambulating gentleman who outwitted the pastie purchaser; in fact, “I go solid for the Simonian.”  If the field is dusty on the morning of the race, it will be following precedent.  When I think of the Derby, I cannot help remembering HENRY THE EIGHTH, for it was to hold the Field of the Cloth of Gold that that eminent monarch had to raise the dust.  Well might FRANCOIS PREMIER have observed (as I do),