“To begin with, it was only under the most awful threats that Mr. JONES prevailed on me to become his wife.  His words—­I remember them well—­were, ’My darling, you know how tenderly I adore you; if you don’t marry me at once I’ll break every bone in your body!’ He then snatched my bonnet, a new one, from my head, and so acted on my nerves that I went off to the Registry Office and was married.  That he was actuated by merely mercenary motives is proved by the fact that the gratuity (of half-a-crown), which he presented to the Registry Clerk, he actually borrowed from me! I knew him already to be unprincipled; but never until that moment had it flashed upon me that he was a fortune-hunter! However, as he had the drawing-room poker with him—­he kept it concealed up his back during the ceremony at the Registry Office—­I did not at that time say anything, but handed him the coin.  I do not know if I should have left him at once, had he not aggravated the baseness of his conduct by using the vulgar expression, ‘Fork it out quick!’ But I regret to say that his origin is painfully low.  Whereas, anybody who consults my relatives will hear from them that they belong to the very highest County Families.  Indeed, he would hear it all day long if he lived with them, as I do!

“On the day of the abduction, I was treated barbarously! Even the cab in which I was taken off was, so the coachman informed me, ’put down to my account.’  Oh, had I but guessed the truth about Mr. JONES when I went to the Altar—­I mean the Registry Office!  Supper consisted of cold mutton and pickles (!) which latter he upset, and I had a dress ruined.”

On perusing the above, Mr. JONES decided that he could no longer keep silence, and has made public the subjoined explanation:—­

“When I first saw Mrs. JONES—­then Miss THOMPSON—­her youthful grace quite captivated me.  Her age was under fifty-six, and mine was just sixty.  She was, in fact, as I told her at the time, almost old enough to know her own mind.  It is true that she was wealthy, but that had no influence on my conduct.  On the contrary I felt it as a positive drawback, as my domestic ideal has always been Love in a Cottage!  But as she was bent upon our marrying, I agreed to waive this objection.

“In proof of this assertion I need only say that on the very day after our first meeting, I received the following letter:—­

“’PRICELESS AND ADORABLE PET,—­How are your little tootsy-wootsicums? Did they get wet in conducting me home after that delicious interview?  If so, and you were to catch cold in your precious head, I should never forgive myself.  Oh, come and see me soon! Your Own, till Death, ANGELINA.’

“Possibly I may be blamed for publishing this letter.  I do it for her sake, not for mine.  Even now I believe that, were I left alone with her for an hour, with none of her relatives nor a policeman near, I could persuade her to retract her calumnious statement about the poker.  I conclude by saying that it is my belief that her relatives, who are all of them powerful mesmerists, have hypnotised her!”