I’ve noticed thet each half-baked scheme’s abetters
Are in the hebbit o’ producin’ letters 320
Writ by all sorts o’ never-heared-on fellers,
’bout ez oridge’nal ez the wind in bellers;
I’ve noticed, tu, it’s the quack med’cine gits
(An’ needs) the grettest heaps o’ stiffykits;
                  [Two pothekeries goes out.]
Now, sence I lef off creepin’ on all fours,
I hain’t ast no man to endorse my course;
It’s full ez cheap to be your own endorser,
An’ ef I’ve made a cup, I’ll fin’ the saucer;
But I’ve some letters here from t’other side,
An’ them’s the sort thet helps me to decide; 330
Tell me for wut the copper-comp’nies hanker,
An’ I’ll tell you jest where it’s safe to anchor. [Faint hiss.]
Fus’ly the Hon’ble B.O.  Sawin writes
Thet for a spell he couldn’t sleep o’ nights,
Puzzlin’ which side wuz preudentest to pin to,
Which wuz th’ ole homestead, which the temp’ry leanto;
Et fust he jedged ’twould right-side-up his pan
To come out ez a ’ridge’nal Union man,
‘But now,’ he sez, ’I ain’t nut quite so fresh;
The winnin’ horse is goin’ to be Secesh; 340
You might, las’ spring, hev eas’ly walked the course,
‘fore we contrived to doctor th’ Union horse;
Now we’re the ones to walk aroun’ the nex’ track: 
Jest you take hol’ an’ read the follerin’ extrac’,
Out of a letter I received last week
From an ole frien’ thet never sprung a leak,
A Nothun Dem’crat o’ th’ ole Jarsey blue,
Born copper-sheathed an’ copper-fastened tu.’

’These four years past it hez ben tough
To say which side a feller went for; 350
Guideposts all gone, roads muddy ‘n’ rough,
An’ nothin’ duin’ wut ’twuz meant for;
Pickets a-firin’ left an’ right,
Both sides a lettin’ rip et sight,—­
Life warn’t wuth hardly payin’ rent for.

’Columby gut her back up so,
It warn’t no use a-tryin’ to stop her,—­
War’s emptin’s riled her very dough
An’ made it rise an’ act improper;
’Twuz full ez much ez I could du 360
To jes’ lay low an’ worry thru,
‘Thout hevin’ to sell out my copper.

’Afore the war your mod’rit men,
Could set an’ sun ’em on the fences,
Cyph’rin’ the chances up, an’ then
Jump off which way bes’ paid expenses;
Sence, ’twuz so resky ary way,
I didn’t hardly darst to say
I ’greed with Paley’s Evidences.
                  [Groan from Deac’n G.]

‘Ask Mac ef tryin’ to set the fence 370
Warn’t like bein’ rid upon a rail on ’t,
Headin’ your party with a sense
O’ bein’ tipjint in the tail on ’t,
An’ tryin’ to think thet, on the whole,
You kin’ o’ quasi own your soul
When Belmont’s gut a bill o’ sale on ’t?
                  [Three cheers for Grant and Sherman.]

’Come peace, I sposed thet folks ’ould like
Their pol’tics done ag’in by proxy;
Give their noo loves the bag an’ strike
A fresh trade with their reg’lar doxy; 380
But the drag’s broke, now slavery’s gone,
An’ there’s gret resk they’ll blunder on,
Ef they ain’t stopped, to real Democ’cy.