I du believe it’s wise an’ good
  To sen’ out furrin missions,
Thet is, on sartin understood
  An’ orthydox conditions;—­
I mean nine thousan’ dolls. per ann.,
  Nine thousan’ more fer outfit, 30
An’ me to recommend a man
  The place ’ould jest about fit.

I du believe in special ways
  O’ prayin’ an’ convartin’;
The bread comes back in many days,
  An’ buttered, tu, fer sartin;
I mean in preyin’ till one busts
  On wut the party chooses,
An’ in convartin’ public trusts
  To very privit uses. 40

I du believe hard coin the stuff
  Fer ’lectioneers to spout on;
The people’s ollers soft enough
  To make hard money out on;
Dear Uncle Sam pervides fer his,
  An’ gives a good-sized junk to all,—­
I don’t care how hard money is,
  Ez long ez mine’s paid punctooal.

I du believe with all my soul
  In the gret Press’s freedom, 50
To pint the people to the goal
  An’ in the traces lead ’em;
Palsied the arm thet forges yokes
  At my fat contracts squintin’,
An’ withered be the nose thet pokes
  Inter the gov’ment printin’!

I du believe thet I should give
  Wut’s his’n unto Caesar,
Fer it’s by him I move an’ live,
  Frum him my bread an’ cheese air; 60
I du believe thet all o’ me
  Doth bear his superscription,—­
Will, conscience, honor, honesty,
  An’ things o’ thet description.

I du believe in prayer an’ praise
  To him that hez the grantin’
O’ jobs,—­in every thin’ thet pays,
  But most of all in CANTIN’;
This doth my cup with marcies fill,
  This lays all thought o’ sin to rest,—­ 70
I don’t believe in princerple,
  But oh, I du in interest.

I du believe in bein’ this
  Or thet, ez it may happen
One way or t’other hendiest is
  To ketch the people nappln’;
It aint by princerples nor men
  My preudunt course is steadied,—­
I scent wich pays the best, an’ then
  Go into it baldheaded. 80

I du believe thet holdin’ slaves
  Comes nat’ral to a Presidunt,
Let ’lone the rowdedow it saves
  To hev a wal-broke precedunt: 
Fer any office, small or gret,
  I couldn’t ax with no face,
‘uthout I’d ben, thru dry an’ wet,
  Th’ unrizzest kind o’ doughface.

I du believe wutever trash
  ’ll keep the people in blindness,—­ 90
Thet we the Mexicuns can thrash
  Right inter brotherly kindness,
Thet bombshells, grape, an’ powder ‘n’ ball
  Air good-will’s strongest magnets,
Thet peace, to make it stick at all,
  Must be druv in with bagnets.

In short, I firmly du believe
  In Humbug generally,
Fer it’s a thing thet I perceive
  To hev a solid vally; 100
This heth my faithful shepherd ben,
  In pasturs sweet heth led me,
An’ this’ll keep the people green
  To feed ez they hev fed me.