Did spirits have the sense of smell? 490
Where would departed spinsters dwell? 
If the late Zenas Smith were well? 
If Earth were solid or a shell? 
Were spirits fond of Doctor Fell?
Did the bull toll Cock-Robin’s knell? 
What remedy would bugs expel? 
If Paine’s invention were a sell? 
Did spirits by Webster’s system spell? 
Was it a sin to be a belle? 
Did dancing sentence folks to hell? 500
If so, then where most torture fell? 
  On little toes or great toes? 
If life’s true seat were in the brain? 
Did Ensign mean to marry Jane? 
By whom, in fact, was Morgan slain? 
Could matter ever suffer pain? 
What would take out a cherry-stain? 
Who picked the pocket of Seth Crane,
Of Waldo precinct, State, of Maine? 
Was Sir John Franklin sought in vain? 510
Did primitive Christians ever train? 
What was the family-name of Cain? 
Them spoons, were they by Betty ta’en? 
Would earth-worm poultice cure a sprain? 
Was Socrates so dreadful plain? 
What teamster guided Charles’s wain? 
Was Uncle Ethan mad or sane,
And could his will in force remain? 
If not, what counsel to retain? 
Did Le Sage steal Gil Blas from Spain? 520
Was Junius writ by Thomas Paine? 
Were ducks discomforted by rain?
How did Britannia rule the main? 
Was Jonas coming back again? 
Was vital truth upon the wane? 
Did ghosts, to scare folks, drag a chain? 
Who was our Huldah’s chosen swain? 
Did none have teeth pulled without payin’,
  Ere ether was invented? 
Whether mankind would not agree, 530
If the universe were tuned in C? 
What was it ailed Lucindy’s knee? 
Whether folks eat folks in Feejee? 
Whether his name would end with T? 
If Saturn’s rings were two or three,
And what bump in Phrenology
  They truly represented? 
These problems dark, wherein they groped,
Wherewith man’s reason vainly coped,
Now that the spirit-world was oped, 540
In all humility they hoped
  Would be resolved instanter;
Each of the miscellaneous rout
Brought his, or her, own little doubt. 
And wished to pump the spirits out,
Through his or her own private spout,
  Into his or her decanter.

PART III

WHEREIN IT IS SHOWN THAT THE MOST ARDENT SPIRITS ARE MORE
ORNAMENTAL THAN USEFUL

Many a speculating wight
Came by express-trains, day and night,
To see if Knott would ‘sell his right,’ 550
Meaning to make the ghosts a sight—­
  What they call a ‘meenaygerie;’
One threatened, if he would not ‘trade,’
His run of custom to invade,
(He could not these sharp folks persuade
That he was not, in some way, paid,)
  And stamp him as a plagiary,
By coming down, at one fell swoop,
With THE ORIGINAL KNOCKING TROUPE,