Lest I his vengeful pen should dree—­
His P ...O ...S ...T ...A ...G ...E ...)
  Things to the same effect I cut,
About the tantrums of a ghost,
Not more than three weeks since, at most,
  Near Stratford, in Connecticut. 420
Knott’s Upas daily spread its roots,
Sent up on all sides livelier shoots,
And bore more pestilential fruits;
The ghosts behaved like downright brutes,
They snipped holes in his Sunday suits,
Practised all night on octave flutes,
Put peas (not peace) into his boots,
  Whereof grew corns in season,
They scotched his sheets, and, what was worse,
Stuck his silk nightcap full of burrs, 430
Till he, in language plain and terse,
(But much unlike a Bible verse,)
  Swore he should lose his reason.

The tables took to spinning, too,
Perpetual yarns, and arm-chairs grew
  To prophets and apostles;
One footstool vowed that only he
Of law and gospel held the key,
That teachers of whate’er degree
To whom opinion bows the knee 440
Weren’t fit to teach Truth’s a b c,
And were (the whole lot) to a T
  Mere fogies all and fossils;
A teapoy, late the property
  Of Knox’s Aunt Keziah,
(Whom Jenny most irreverently
Had nicknamed her aunt-tipathy)
With tips emphatic claimed to be
  The prophet Jeremiah;
The tins upon the kitchen-wall, 450
Turned tintinnabulators all,
And things that used to come to call
  For simple household services
Began to hop and whirl and prance,
Fit to put out of countenance
The Commis and Grisettes of France
  Or Turkey’s dancing Dervises.

Of course such doings, far and wide,
With rumors filled the countryside,
And (as it is our nation’s pride 460
To think a Truth not verified
Till with majorities allied)
Parties sprung up, affirmed, denied,
And candidates with questions plied,
Who, like the circus-riders, tried
At once both hobbies to bestride,
And each with his opponent vied
  In being inexplicit. 
Earnest inquirers multiplied;
Folks, whose tenth cousins lately died, 470
Wrote letters long, and Knott replied;
All who could either walk or ride
Gathered to wonder or deride,
  And paid the house a visit;
Horses were to his pine-trees tied,
Mourners in every corner sighed,
Widows brought children there that cried. 
Swarms of lean Seekers, eager-eyed,
(People Knott never could abide,)
Into each hole and cranny pried 480
With strings of questions cut and dried
From the Devout Inquirer’s Guide,
For the wise spirits to decide—­
  As, for example, is it
True that the damned are fried or boiled? 
Was the Earth’s axis greased or oiled? 
Who cleaned the moon when it was soiled? 
How baldness might be cured or foiled? 
  How heal diseased potatoes?